Are you a ‘Western’ woman?

Say what now? Me with my Indian passport and brown skin - you think I’m Western? Well, in the wake of the Mumbai attacks, politicians have unearthed till-now-undiscovered depths of idiocy within themselves, and one suspects that those depths may be bottomless indeed. First, Maharashtra (then) Deputy CM RR Patil shot off his mouth about a small incident. Then, Kerala CM Achuthanandan managed to get his hoof-in-his-mouth.

One Congress break-away group, and one Communist down; should the Right be far behind? Not to be outdone, BJP Vice-President Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi compared women showing solidarity with the Mumbai victims and protesting against government inefficiency, to terrorists in J&K. He didn’t miss the chance to comment on the (pernicious) effects of Paschami Sabhyata (a.k.a Western Culture) which is what drove these women to wear lipstick and jeans, and oh how dare they, come out of the house they belonged, to the street where they have no place.

Read Reema’s piece on the whole absurd affair, where she questions:

“Mr.Naqvi, kindly clarify first what exactly is the western culture aspect in the protests? Is it the candle lighting or the makeup of women protesters or the act of protest itself?”

Tags: indian culture, western culture

Addressing the husband

I suppose none of you (in India) have escaped the recent series of Airtel ads - Vidya Balan and Madhavan as a couple in various situations? I quite like some of them, for the way they manage to integrate product features with a story. I caught something peculiar about one of them yesterday. Remember the ad where Vidya is on her way home and she asks Madhavan to organise things because guests are arriving? No? Well, you can watch it at the Airtel site here.

Somehow, I saw this ad in both Hindi and Tamizh yesterday. It’s interesting that in the Hindi ad, Vidya tells Madhavan, “Salad bana doge?” The unsaid pronoun of course is “tum”, the “you” used for equals/peers. But, in the Tamizh version, the unsaid pronoun used (across a few sentences), is “neenga”, the ”you” used for elders, in formal situations, to convey respect and of course the you normally prescribed for women to use with their husbands. Interesting, is it not? I thought of a couple of options.

One, Tamizh women indeed have a greater preference for addressing their husbands using the formal pronoun, as compared to North Indian women who have shifted to using the casual one. Two, marketers think that Tamizh women are likely to continue using the formal pronoun, whereas North Indian relationships have all become more egalitarian. Which of these two is correct? Or is it neither, and the advertising agency just thought of ‘North’ with hip South Delhi and ‘South’ as conservative and unchanging?

English of course doesn’t allow for these subtleties; a you is a you is a you. But how about other European languages? French for instance does have it’s “tu” and “vous.” In medieval France, did women address their husbands as “vous”? In India, I feel this may have originated because earlier, it was quite common for a man to be much older than his wife, and of course we are taught to speak to elders respectfully. Today, however, with the age gap narrowing down, I don’t think it will continue beyond another generation, though I do see parents who feel “so hurt” if their darling son is addressed without an “aap”. (Those who want to rush in and tell me that there is nothing wrong with addressing people respectfully, please save your breath; I have no issues with it, except that such respect is usually reserved for the male of the pair.)

p.s While the ad shows Vidya requesting her husband to help with a bunch of small chores at home, there is a mild hesitation in her smile and tone, as though she is aware of the “favor” she is asking. I thought that was actually done fairly realistically, but it does say something, doesn’t it!

Tags: airtel ad, husband, indian advertising, indian culture, indian women, wife

Raising liberal daughters

Some days ago, a young woman told me that my post on marriage symbols for women, helped her convey her feelings to her dad, since it was something she couldn’t articulate herself. This set me thinking on the gap that exists today as far as women’s roles and expectations are concerned, even with fairly liberal parents. Many urban parents today do not differentiate between girls and boys where education is concerned. Atleast in India, girls are not conditioned to fear maths and science, or think of them as un-girly. If anything, parents pressurise them equally to succeed in these fields! Many young women do get to choose their careers, and the new phenomenon of love-cum-arranged marriages means that young people can  spend atleast some time together before choosing a life partner.

But, in some areas, there is such a wide gap between what parents expect and what young women would like to be and do. It is as if there is this boundary wall, that drops down from the skies all of a sudden, the moment you turn 24-25. When this happens, even the most supportive parents, who have pushed you towards a high-flying career, will suddenly realise that, “Oh my god, I have an unmarried daughter!” It is as though there is a clock ticking away that only they can hear. It doesn’t end there. Once you are married, after a “decent” interval,  discreet (and sometimes, direct) enquiries begin : When is the grandchild arriving? At this stage, the career that you’ve worked so hard for, begins to seem like a trifle that can be re-arranged easily. If you voice your fears that you don’t think this is the right time in your career for you to take on the added responsibility of a child, parents pooh-pooh it - of course you can manage it, they say, doesn’t everybody?

Sometimes, I pity the liberal parents of today. Earlier, parents had no hope for their daughters except to see them married well - which meant, to a man who earned reasonably well and whose family didn’t outright ill treat their daughter. Parents today are pulled in many more directions. All their lives, they have told their daughters that they should work hard and look to a good career. In some cases, the mothers themselves are working women, though usually in low paying, ’second-income’ jobs that allow them to be home at a reasonable hour. They pride themselves on having raised successful daughters.

Now they are faced by daughters who have completely imbibed their teachings. They truly believe that they can do anything. That may mean working on a Ph.D and not getting hitched at the golden age of 25. That may mean choosing to delay having a child, or deciding not to have one at all. That may mean building a marriage on their own terms rather going along with traditional notions of how a married woman should behave. Suddenly, all this is rather dismaying for parents. “Is this what we taught you, have you forgotten your culture?”, they say. Somewhere there is an expectation that ‘thinking’ should be confined to your studies or your career, not to changing your way of life. What they don’t realise is that a liberal education is not something that can be confined to academics. People who have learnt to think for themselves, are bound to apply it to every area, including questioning handed-down ideas on religion, culture and roles.

How about our generation? Do we have our own sacred cows that our children will question? Readers who have slightly older children, can probably answer that.

Tags: culture, India, indian culture, indian women, parenting, society, women