Apu’s World

Recently, I heard that a distant relative, a young woman, had married a paternal cousin (though not a first cousin). The news surprised me, and not just because of the health risks of consanguineous marriages. In the South Indian community that I hail from, marriages between cousins are not at all uncommon, provided they follow certain norms. Until a generation ago, it was very common (in fact, even expected) that a girl would marry her mama or athai’s (bua’s) son. Marriages between the children of two brothers or two sisters are however strictly forbidden, since such children are considered true siblings, not cousins.

Which is why this marriage I heard of surprised me. Knowing fully well that the genetic risks are no different whether one marries a cousin related in one way or another, nevertheless, it seems less ’strange’ to marry a cousin related through a maternal line. Because that is what is familiar. And familiarity breeds thoughtlessness. (Even among educated people, it seems.)

Read the rest over at Women’s Web…

apu Other Social issues in India

Who did finally win the Mommy Guilt contest?

Go here to find out. All I’m saying here is that we had a great time reading all the entries - inspiring, heartening, humorous, poignant, helpful - there were all sorts and everyone of them had a unique perspective to share. A big THANK YOU to all of the participants and to the readers who cheered everyone on!

apu Women & Feminism

The inimitable IHM kicked off this theme of ‘My sins against gender stereotypes’ and that brought me out of my blogging funk

The tag says, “list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.”

And here’s the thing - when I thought about it, I realized that I like and want many things which are conventionally associated with women, but I don’t think that makes me less feminist in any way. For instance, I like cooking, I like jewellery ( at least to look at) and I like new clothes (though I don’t hoard old ones), but I firmly believe in partners sharing household work and in women’s need to be financially independent. To me, feminism is about women having the right to make decisions independently, in their own interest.

I guess what I am trying to say is that gender stereotypes are not just about wearing pink, wearing (or not wearing) shorts or liking jewellery - I have seen women who dress extremely “modern” but are aghast at the idea of men doing housework, and I have a cousin who is very modest in her dressing and highly religious, but absolutely modern in her thinking on what women are entitled to. (You know who you are :))

Now, coming to the tag - I doubt I have committed that many obvious sins against gender stereotypes, but let me try!

1. I’ve travelled independently from the time I was in my late teens, and never felt afraid to, simply because I am female.

2. I’ve been open about my relationships and never believed that a woman’s ‘name will be spoilt’.

3. I dislike most housework (folding clothes, ironing, cleaning loos), and while it irks me that I am often called lazy by my family, I don’t see that as a good enough reason to change!

4. As a teenager, I was encouraged to aim for a teaching job, as one ’suitable for women’ - rejected the idea outright.

5. I’m comfortable with the husband doing his share of work at home, and many chores are not assigned to any one person - there is no ‘man’s work’ or ‘woman’s work’ at our home.

6. I had no hesitation being the first to tell my husband that I liked him (back in the days when he wasn’t yet the husband). Who says girls have to be ‘asked’?

7. I don’t believe that I need to wear a mangalsutra or sindoor to ‘demonstrate my marital status‘.

8. I have always helped my parents financially, when needed. When I stayed at home (after I began working), I paid my dad a fixed amount every month to cover my share of expenses. Thankfully, my dad is modern too, in this aspect and not one of those who think daughters shouldn’t take care of their parents.

9. When organizing anything, I don’t wait for the men to pick up heavy stuff, move things etc.

10. I am the financial manager of my house - I handle the bank, savings, investments, and keeping track of the spending.

I don’t know whom to tag, because it looks like many people have already been tagged! So, at the risk of being cursed to wear only blue pants all my life, here are the ‘taggees’ I can think of - Uma, R’s Mom and Itchy.

apu Women & Feminism

The DVD of Love, Sex aur Dhokha has been lying around at home for some time, but it was only over this weekend that I got around to watching it. Directed by Dibakar Banerjee (of Khosla ka Ghosla fame), LSD is actually three stories in one, with peripheral links to each other.

The first one is a mushy love story, the second an MMS sex scandal and the third, about the media’s voracious appetite for ’stings’. It is the second and third stories that really hold your attention; the first one is slow to heat up and I almost forwarded a little of the first 10-15 minutes. Yet, my mind keeps going back to it. (This post isn’t a movie review though.)

*Spoilers here, beware!*

When the love story of Rahul, aspiring director at a film institute and Shruti, the “Simran” of his film begins, it is hard not to think of this love story as more a paean to DDLJ than anything else. Cheesy like the film they are making, it is hard to imagine that Rahul and Shruti really love anything beyond the feeling of being in love.

And yet, given the conservative family Shruti comes from, there is no possibility of their dating or getting to know each other. Love must lead to an elopement and marriage almost immediately. Rahul’s blithe confidence that after marriage, the family will “come around”, is almost revolting to watch in its stupidity. The end, when it comes, is gruesome, even though nothing of this honour killing is really shown.

Just yesterday, the Supreme Court has issued a notice asking the Central Government (and a few states), why they are doing nothing to combat the recent spate of honour killings.

The thing about us Indians is that we pride ourselves on our superior ‘Indian values’; we lose no chance to deride Western societies for their (alleged) lack of affection, ‘family values’ and morality. Nowhere is this more evident than in our smug attitude to the upbringing of children. It is so common to hear people talking as though Indians are the only people that know how to bring up children well - everywhere else, children are neglected, spoilt, abused and grow up to have no love for their parents.

And yet, this is the country where a good chunk of people are all too ready to sacrifice their children in the name of honour, society, family name and blah blah. Honour killing is one extreme end of the spectrum, but the unwillingness to accept children’s choices and their happiness as a primary consideration exists in many other forms, ranging from emotional blackmail to being ‘cast out of the family’.

Gajar-ka-halwa aside, we need to stop kidding ourselves. I suppose we have good and bad parents like everywhere else, but no magic beans that qualify us as the best parents on earth.

apu Media-Movies-Ads, Women & Feminism

To be a mother is to feel guilty. If it’s not for the big things, it’s for the small things. If it’s not others making you feel guilty, you do it to yourself.

All mothers know this, which is probably why over at Women’s Web, this feature, ‘Fight that Mommy Guilt’ got such a tremendous response from readers.

Which is why, we’ve decided to go ahead and use it as the theme for our first contest on Women’s Web.

The rules are simple 1-2-3:

1. Write your own post on ‘Mommy Guilt‘ - it can be funny, sad, touching, angry, thoughtful - anything you choose. And you don’t HAVE to be a parent - anyone with a story to share can participate.

2. Make sure you include a link to our feature, ‘Fight that Mommy Guilt’ somewhere in your post.

3. Let us know of your entry - on the comments section of the contest entry post, at our Facebook group, at our twitter ID, or by emailing us at contests@womensweb.in with the words ‘Mommy Guilt’ in your subject line.

(If you don’t have a blog but really want to participate, you can still send it to us as an attached document at the e-mail ID mentioned above, and if it wins, we’ll publish it here. For these entries, obviously, step 2 doesn’t apply)

And the Prizes?

The 3 best entries EACH get a Rs. 500 voucher that you can use to shop for books, music or other goodies at Flipkart. (Anyone in the world with a valid e-mail address can receive these vouchers, but Flipkart currently ships only to addresses in India).

This contest kicks off  NOW - which means entries dated from 17th June to 28th June will be valid, when we close for entries and start judging.

The Judges? Yours truly, and Nita Deb, the writer of the original piece that started it all.

Go ahead and give it a shot!

apu In General