Apu’s World

How many of you have watched the many “family movies” of the 70s and 80s? I’m talking about these melodramas involving large families, scheming mothers-in-law, “modern” daughters-in-law, “henpecked” fathers-in-law, helpless husbands torn between all the other participants,

and always, always, always

One very evil mama. (For any non-Indian readers here, a mama is a maternal uncle in most Indian languages).

The mama character was usually depicted as a shiftless fellow leeching off his sister’s household, the sister being the all-powerful mother-in-law of the family. Being jobless, his main focus would be to try and drive wedges between other family members and especially between the new DIL and others. His ultimate objective would be to keep his own position as his sister’s advisor secure and thus guarantee a lifetime of living free off someone else.

I have to wonder - why was this mama so popular with film-makers and by inference, audiences?

My guess is that this mama figure succeeded well for so many years because he tied in deeply with people’s notions of what “family” means. Traditionally, family always referred to a man and his parents, his wife, his children. For a married woman, family refers to her husband, her in-laws and her children. Of course, women did not abandon ties with their natal homes, but there were very strict rules about the limits that had to be maintained.

Daughter visiting parents - good. Daughter visiting parents too often - not good. Parents visiting daughter - good. Parents visiting daughter too often/staying with daughter - not good at all. (There are Indian matriarchal/matrilineal communities too, but they are an exception).

Staying at a married sister’s house is a gross contravention of these societal norms, and interfering in her family - even worse. Such a mama makes for a ready villain, indeed.

Could there always have been deeply-registered fears in Indian minds about forces that could break up a family and by extension its land, its wealth? Perhaps undue influence by women’s’ natal families, represented by the mama character, was seen as one of these forces.

That is worth thinking about when you consider that two of the great villains of Indian tradition - Kamsa from the Bhagavatam and Shakuni from the Mahabharata - were both mamas.

apu In General, Women & Feminism

2 Reads: Shefaly Yogendra’s excellent post on “Women in Tech: what gives?”, and my own post, “Empowerment begins at home”, where I take one of Shefaly’s ideas and run with it.

Update: Excellent discussions going on at both these posts, so do check it out if you haven’t already.

apu Women & Feminism

Ever wondered why we never hear of the ‘trouble’ with allowing young men to wear Western clothes? Why are trousers and shirts ‘normal’ for men, whether Indian or Western, while women must uphold the symbols of their cultures or religion?

Read more on clothing and control, over at Women’s Web.

apu Women & Feminism

Who did finally win the Mommy Guilt contest?

Go here to find out. All I’m saying here is that we had a great time reading all the entries - inspiring, heartening, humorous, poignant, helpful - there were all sorts and everyone of them had a unique perspective to share. A big THANK YOU to all of the participants and to the readers who cheered everyone on!

apu Women & Feminism

The inimitable IHM kicked off this theme of ‘My sins against gender stereotypes’ and that brought me out of my blogging funk

The tag says, “list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.”

And here’s the thing - when I thought about it, I realized that I like and want many things which are conventionally associated with women, but I don’t think that makes me less feminist in any way. For instance, I like cooking, I like jewellery ( at least to look at) and I like new clothes (though I don’t hoard old ones), but I firmly believe in partners sharing household work and in women’s need to be financially independent. To me, feminism is about women having the right to make decisions independently, in their own interest.

I guess what I am trying to say is that gender stereotypes are not just about wearing pink, wearing (or not wearing) shorts or liking jewellery - I have seen women who dress extremely “modern” but are aghast at the idea of men doing housework, and I have a cousin who is very modest in her dressing and highly religious, but absolutely modern in her thinking on what women are entitled to. (You know who you are :))

Now, coming to the tag - I doubt I have committed that many obvious sins against gender stereotypes, but let me try!

1. I’ve travelled independently from the time I was in my late teens, and never felt afraid to, simply because I am female.

2. I’ve been open about my relationships and never believed that a woman’s ‘name will be spoilt’.

3. I dislike most housework (folding clothes, ironing, cleaning loos), and while it irks me that I am often called lazy by my family, I don’t see that as a good enough reason to change!

4. As a teenager, I was encouraged to aim for a teaching job, as one ’suitable for women’ - rejected the idea outright.

5. I’m comfortable with the husband doing his share of work at home, and many chores are not assigned to any one person - there is no ‘man’s work’ or ‘woman’s work’ at our home.

6. I had no hesitation being the first to tell my husband that I liked him (back in the days when he wasn’t yet the husband). Who says girls have to be ‘asked’?

7. I don’t believe that I need to wear a mangalsutra or sindoor to ‘demonstrate my marital status‘.

8. I have always helped my parents financially, when needed. When I stayed at home (after I began working), I paid my dad a fixed amount every month to cover my share of expenses. Thankfully, my dad is modern too, in this aspect and not one of those who think daughters shouldn’t take care of their parents.

9. When organizing anything, I don’t wait for the men to pick up heavy stuff, move things etc.

10. I am the financial manager of my house - I handle the bank, savings, investments, and keeping track of the spending.

I don’t know whom to tag, because it looks like many people have already been tagged! So, at the risk of being cursed to wear only blue pants all my life, here are the ‘taggees’ I can think of - Uma, R’s Mom and Itchy.

apu Women & Feminism