Apu’s World

After reading… I was left staring at the screen for quite some time.

What I feel is that relationships need not always have a need to back them… and if you need a reason, the fact that you need some people to unconditionally love you is a reason enough. If anything goes wrong…my mom is to whom I know I can always go and just pour everything … for someone to hear me, and offer some advice. I know she does not understand my life, but I still want her in my life.

It is really sad but a truth which many grandmas like you face today. And this predicament arises when the grandparents stay separately. My grandmother stays alone away from her sons. But we make sure to be in touch with her and invite her for any festivals functions and gatherings that take place in my home or my uncle’s home.

Grandchildren have a very special bond with the grandparents specially the grandmother. Grandmother is everything that the mother is not. Mom send us to school whereas the grandma is at home when we come back. She is the best friend and ally. This stays true until they are dependent on one of the family members to take care of their needs such as food and friend. Once the children are old enough to make friends and their life expands with friends fromt the society and school, this need to be with the grandparents reduced. And in today’s world where like fashion even relationships become outdated in a short time. Soon they find that the grandparents are not in synch with their topics of interest, do not know how to use a cell phone or a computer. Cannot play games with them on the computer and cannot talk with them at their level. So they do not find a common ground with them to connect with. And it really saddens the grandparents when they cannot continue with the rapport they have built so far.

What children do not realise is that all these are just superfluous things. To connect with someone you do not need to understand their life. All you need is unconditional love in your heart.

Sorry you feel left out of their lives. I am not sure how involved you were when your husband was still alive but it’s probably best to visit them once in a while and live with them in their setting to understand and bond with the grandkids well. Maybe during their summer vacation , you could visit them. Kids nowadays do spend a lot of time with the television and if that’s something the parents don’t object to , my suggestion would be why not watch it with them and try to understand what they find so fascinating reg the cartoons/programs they watch.

Also, you don’t need to feel wanted by your kids/grnadkids to be validated. You have brought them up and done your job well and that’s all that matters. You can probably take up hobbies and volunteer with some NGOs to teach kids etc to keep yourself busy and trust me, your contribution there will always be needed

There are many in need of help/love outside of ” family”
Reach out and bond with them

Live life well- travel, pursue a hobby…

have a chat and visist your family, if you miss the

Dear Siranoush
You are only 55. That is hardly what one would call ‘old age’. You sound bright and articulate. Your children are grown up and are no longer dependent on you. Savour the freedom. There are several grandparents who are used as free childcare. At least you don’t have to do that. Take advantage of free your time and (I hope) good health. Volunteer somewhere. There are lots of charities which can benefit from your intelligence and experience. Being out and working can help one’s mental well-being greatly. You might find like-minded people, make a few friends.
This is your second innings. Play away!

My dear Siranoush,

if there is anything that having a child has taught me, it is that love between parent and child goes just one way. Your kids are never going to feel for you what you feel for them. It’s biological destiny. If an adult loves her/his parent with abandon and no conditions, that is a miracle the parent ought to be grateful for… not something that every parent should expect as a right simply because *they* love their son/daughter.

So if you’ll forgive my audacity in giving advice to an older woman: let your children go. Let them seek you out if they need you. Leave them alone and build your own life, your own person. You’re only 55! Half your life is still ahead of you! Live it with joy and vigor and gratitude, and quit mooning over people who don’t appreciate you for what you are. You will always love your children, sure, but they are no longer your whole life (and possibly never should have been to begin with). Find companionship and meaning in your connections to your relatives, your neighbours, your friends or your religious community. Find love in those who are willing to love you freely, without the motivation of guilt or obligation.

I felt sad reading this and was reminded of another lady who lived on the fringes of her children’s lives until she just faded away…But times have changed and women no longer need to define themselves just by their family. You are an educated women and 55 is not old! You’ve given your younger days to your kids and husband and fulfilled your responsibilities. Now give these golden years to yourself. Read, travel, be free! Your children must love you. It is just that the rhythm of this generation is different. And I suppose there is no ‘taal-mel’. No need to be depressed or disillusioned. Just adapt and set new goals for yourself. Good luck.

I’m sorry that there is some misundestanding. I am not 55. I am, in fact, 78 years old. Again–I am so sorry that my age was taken at 55 (even though, that’s a great age to be at!).
I thank all your readers for responding. I really appreciate it.
I am sure your readers will understand the following, and, perhaps, they can relate to it: I came from a big family; raised multiple children and took care of my husband for years during his failing health. I have always been a very caring and loving daughter, mother and husband. And, I am used to a big family. Now, all that is gone. I have no one child or relative who I am close to. They all either live far away or do not exist. So, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to adjustto being alone as I am. I do not mean to feel sorry for myself and hope that it does not come out that way. I am only expressing myself in order that others who might be in the same position as me, can relate to me and know that they are not alone in essence–there are other people out there who experience the same lonliness, etc.. What meakes things worse for me, is the following: ever since I was young, I was always a very caring and loving person–trying to take care of people–help people, etc..I used to walk over 2 miles to my grandparents’ home, when I was a teen, just to clean the house for them. They never, never asked me to do it–I just did it because I love them and wanted to help them. As I grew up, I then cared for my middle-aged uncle, who was dying of kidney failure and I was the only one who stayed with him in the hospital, up to the time he died. I took care of others, including my husband, 24-7, for the sole reason that I loved them. And, now, I have to undergo major surgery and I will not tell my children or bother them about it because I know that I will feel extra-bad, if they choose to ignore me and show no interest in me. I am so sorry that I seem to be complaining–but–I suppose, in reality, I am! But, I’m just trying to be candid and venting my feelings to an anonymous group of people who I feel, are caring when they respond. Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who responds. I truly, truly appreciate it!

Siranoush, thank you for sharing. I think the confusion was caused because people interpreted your saying ‘I am a widow, after 55 years’ as your age - perhaps you meant after 55 years of married life?

I’d like to thank all those who shared their views. Of course, at 78, mobility may be very different, and I’m not quite sure which part of the world you live in; I do think it’s very difficult to adjust to being alone. I can understand how you feel, because my gran is just a little older than you. The things which make her happiest are simple things like us just sitting and chatting with her, asking her how she is etc. So I would not underestimate the importance of these things. Are there any groups for elder people where you live? That way, at least you may be able to meet other people. Of course, they may not quite be a substitute for family, but if your family is truly not interested in being involved, that may have to do.

What would happen if you told your children frankly how you feel? Not in a demanding sort of way, but simply explaining that perhaps unwittingly (due to their busy lives etc), they have not been able to make time for you, and that this is causing you pain? Is it possible that sometimes people need more than a hint to wake them up?

Thank you to the reader about the misunderstanding about my age, which probably came about because I mentioned being with my husband for 55 years!

Siranoush,
Wow ! At 78, you are on the internet, and active ! Kudos ! I do think that your kids are being negligent, but I also think that you need to find your own interests, apart from your family. Which might be hard (read your previous comment) but having like-minded friends/peers will probably help. And letting your family know how you feel won’t hurt either.

Everything has already been said… I feel women should have interests and lives of their own, all their lives. Also, friends of their own.

With regard to “Indian Homemaker”, who wrote that she feels that women should have interests and lives of their own, all their lives. Also, friends of their own.’ That’s all well and good, but, nothing takes the place of children and family. I raised multiple children–was very close to them-was with my husband for 55 years, very close to him. When he passed away, it was and still is, very, very difficult to lose the children too–to their own lives, family and friends. They mostly live out of state; I have to take a car, take a bus, take a plan, take a taxi–all to see them, and, I do it, but, for how long at my age! And, on the other hand, they very, very rarely ever come to see me. Friends can neve replace the children’s presence. I miss my children, and, of course, I miss their children, my grandchildren, who I also rarely see. Blessed are those grandparents who have their grandchildren live nearby and see them often. I envy them. Thank you.

With families becoming more and more nuclear, loneliness in old age is a fact of life. I am in my mid-fifties and I dread the thought of living on into my 80’s and 90’s! How do you keep yourself engaged and involved when you have all the debilities of old age and Time sits heavy on your hands?

I’m 29 and I strongly believe that children have a basic responsibility to parents who have taken care of them for a good chunk of their lives. And this responsibility includes being in contact with your parents, especially if one parent has passed away, and definitely being there if the parent has a major illness. If there are many children, surely one of them can come over at the time of the surgery. Even if one is not that close to one’s parents, you can’t just wash your hands of your parents. In fact, I believe that after a certain age, children must make space for their old parents in their home or at least near their homes. Would the kids honestly say that had their mother just done the bare minumum for them and focussed on her own life, they’d have been happier?

However, I’m aware that one can never rely on one’s children so I’d be careful to not make my whole life revolve around them and to develop a life and hopefully a support system beyond them. But this is a 78-year-old woman, and this idea would not have been common in her day. This situation is just sad.

Dear Siranoush,

Its only those whom we love that can really hurt us. Because it is only them that we allow to hurt us. Sometimes by what they do, but more often by what they dont.

I am a not-yet-30 male and I hope I can share some compassion for your suffering - so I write my thoughts below in all sincerity and any words of advice below are in humility and respect. It is quite remarkable that at 78, you are not only internet-savvy but also open to sharing your thoughts and vulnerabilities to virtual strangers.

Having said that, I’d like you to know that your feelings of hurt are absolutely justified and you really dont come across as complaining, so please do not be self-conscious or apologetic about it. The sense of abandonment and unwantedness that can creep in when those that you love deeply do not return that is very powerful. I can only imagine the anguish that you may be feeling on account of this ungratefulness - and while you may not like to use the word, that is what this is, to me. Emotional investments are not calculated based on expectations of extraordinary returns, but often because in giving love, we receive much joy and pleasure. Yet, in our heart-of-hearts there is an unspoken assumption that one day, this love will be cherished and returned. Many a tear has been shed in the realization that even this modest assumption may be a wish after all, especially in today’s world.

However, much more pain awaits those that are estranged from their loved ones - whether by choice or circumstance or facility, or lack thereof. So, your feelings are very justified and understandable. And while it is never wise to wallow in such pain, acknowledging the pain and its depth could be greatly helpful in moving beyond it.

On a more spiritual level, if you can attempt to observe your pain or suffering from the point of view of an empathetic outsider - without yourself identifying with the pain - it can open your heart and mind to be less burdened with it, but help you see it as an unavoidable part of the human condition. If you are religiously inclined - without sounding preachy, I think - there is much comfort and succour in nearly all religious traditions and contemplation on God is often the panacea for most ills of the heart.

Lastly, I would suggest that perhaps you could start blogging yourself, making good use of your internet-friendliness and flair for writing online to share your thoughts on life with the world, and perhaps in doing so find some more hidden paths that lead to newer friends and company on the web, but also to discover a different state of internal peace and reconciliation with your situation.

I know its kind of a long comment, but I wish you much peace, love and comfort. Compassionately yours,

I hope Siranoush is coming back to read all of these comments, many of them from different viewpoints. I agree with The Bride’s views and with many of Sri’s suggestions, especially the ones about accepting one’s feelings first in order to find some peace beyond them. And yes, the presence of the Internet helps at least those who are net-savvy to find some useful communities and friends beyond one’s immediate locality. (and let’s not forget, many cities, esp in the ‘developed world’ are terribly elder unfriendly, given the need for driving to get anywhere).

I would like to sincerely thank those who responded to my situation, especially, “The Bride” and “Srihari”. Their words were very, very comforting to me and I appreciate same. It is very strange for me to seek advice from strangers because I am a professional (an attorney) who has spent her entire adult life, giving advice to others, and now, here I am, seeking advice from virtual strangers. But, I have found their words, feelings and thoughts, so close to my own, that they have given me much support. They make me feel that my reaction to my circumstance (being alone for the first time in my life) is normal, under the circumstances and that I am really not complaining–just expressing the situation as it is. When one has had a big family her entire life, as I have fortunately had, and now, I am virtually alone (my family has either passed away or live out of state), the lonliness is compounded more than anyone can possibly realize. And, at my age, after being with my husand, 24-7, for 55 years (we were both professionals, working and living together), I find it impossible to start a new life! So–I go on–try to keep busy and be constructive. I find enjoyment in playing the piano at the Senior Citizen Center, near my home, and knowing that I make people happy with my playing all the old songs that they love. So–life goes on and I trying very hard to adjust to everything and, again, I appreciate so much the response of others to my situation. I read their words over and over and find them so relevant, reassuring and comforting to my situation, offering me positive advice. Thank you to them.

‘And, now, I have to undergo major surgery and I will not tell my children or bother them about it because I know that I will feel extra-bad, if they choose to ignore me and show no interest in me.’

Ma’am, please do inform your children of your impending surgery and tell them that you need their presence and support at the time. How they work it out is their business, but please let them know. Perhaps they are so used to your being a nurturer to them that they do not realise that you need nurturing too, and especially at this stage in your life.
Perhaps this surgery is actually a godsend which catalyses a new relationship between you and your children.
Also, is there any particular reason for you to continue to live so far away from your family members- can you contemplate relocating to a place where you are near at least one of your kids?
I know that is a very difficult thing to do- for health reasons my parents came to live with me a few years ago, and despite all my efforts I know that my mother really missed her independence. Since my father was more helpless, he was more accepting of the situation.
You sound like a person of courage- please give your children this chance to show you that they care for you.

Thank you so much to dipali. Her kind and caring words, ring, very true. I have told my multiple children about my impending surgery and they have all demonstrated great concern, love and support for me. I am very happy about that. They live out of state, have small children who go to school, and, they, themselves work, and do not have the time to see me often. However, I believe that they will come during my surgery, despite what obstacles they have to overcome. They really are very caring and loving children. I wish that I could live near one of them, but, their homes do not have any available space. And, I am so independent, that I don’t know whether I would be happy living in their homes. I certainly would love to live near them–not in their homes though! I’ll go back to my initial statement–it’s absolutely horrible, living alone. In addition, I live in a beautiful complex of residents over 55, but, they all have their own friends and cliques (I have only been here one year) and despite my reaching out to them with friendliness, etc., they do not reciprocate. I am treated as an outsider. I am not looking for a lot of friends–I am only looking for one neighbor who I can reach out for, if a momentary problem develops. After one year, I do not even have that one neighbor. I have invited many residents here for coffee, etc.. Not one person has ever invited me. So–compounding my living alone–living in a virtual unfriendly, though beautiful complex of over 55 residents, and not having my children and relatives nearby, is really a very horrendous situation for me. I will probably place my condo on the market for sale after my surgery and then, contemplate where to live. In any event, the readers of this website, I am finding, are very caring and warm people who care about others. I am so grateful for this. Many thanks to them.

I am so glad! Once you are through with the surgery, perhaps you and your kids can work out a good place for you to stay, perhaps a small apartment in the same building as one of them. Once you verbalise your loneliness to them I am sure that you will collectively find a solution.
All the best!

This post made me feel so sad. And helpless. Such is life. Atleast Siranoush got to spend 55 happy years with her family. Not sure how many of us will be so blessed!! Children will not evince interest in parents. I can see that even now, in my 4 year old!! But such is life

I can only say, hope your surgery goes on well, and I hope you find some genuine friends. And do keep blogging. Its very therapeutic Charity again (eg., teaching poor children) will help a lot. What else.. reading books…. meditation… anything to soothe the mind Take care Ma’am.

Btw, I just wrote something (Fiction) on similar lines.. if you would like to read it…

Part I
http://writerzblock.wordpress.com/2010/05/09/the-old-armchair-fiction/

Part II
http://writerzblock.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/the-last-paragraph/

There is a subject upon which I would like to hear the views of your readers. That is, “family grudges”! When I get mad, I immediately say things which I regret later and I say that I am sorry. And, I am profoundly sorry and try to improve myself. However, I have family members who remember every negative thing that is said to them, and, never accept forgiveness. (of course, when they, themselves say negative things, they never once say they are sorry!. I do, however!) What do your viewers think about family members who hold grudges. I would truly appreciate hearing from them. Many thank!