On Abusive Relationships (and other things too)
It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted here; honestly, I have no idea why I’ve been away so long! Well, work was a little tight, and then I had a bad bout of sinusitis - which gave me a throbbing headache for over a week, so I was reluctant to spend any more time in front of the computer than necessary. On a more cheerful note, I also managed a trip to Goa - a delightful surprise planned by the hubby to celebrate our anniversary and his birthday, both of which fall close together. (It was even more surprising, because I am usually the trip planner-cum-coordinator).
In the meantime, I find that R’s mom has given me an award for being a creative blogger. Now, she has 7 rules associated with the award, and though I’m not going to follow the rest, the first one states that I must thank the giver, so - thank you, R’s mom, for the award and for your friendship, which I value. (And no, I’m not really thanking you just because the rules said so!)
I also found that the Hip Hop Grandmom had tagged me to participate in a contest for International Women’s Day, the topic being abusive relationships. Again, I’m not going to participate at the moment, but her post set me thinking.
I remember a distant relative of mine, a highly qualified surgeon, who got into an arranged marriage, only to realize after the wedding, that her husband bore no relation to the person he had claimed to be - in terms of education or employment. Her new family treated her poorly, and she was forced to do all the household chores despite her hectic schedule - they would not even allow her to hire a maid. Despite this situation and her periodic return to her parents’ home when things got too bad - she had two children in quick succession. And of course, once that happens, there is no walking out, because, then what will happen to the children’s future, right?
So, what makes such a woman - well-educated and financially stable refuse to think of other possibilities? I don’t know this particular woman’s reasons, but I do feel parents are one of the biggest reasons for young women putting up with abusive relationships. As the Indian Homemaker says, few Indian daughters can say, Mere paas maa hai. Of course, one may say that an educated woman should be confident enough to walk out on her own, irrespective of parental support, but life as a single woman in India is not easy, starting with simple things like renting a place to live. (Read Ramapriya’s spot-on post, Single in the City).
When children enter the equation, things become even more difficult. There is the guilt of taking something away from your children, of not giving them a stable life, of exposing them to difficulty in a society that doesn’t look very kindly upon divorce. It may also be that in some abusive relationships, the decision to use or avoid contraceptives may not be the woman’s. In any case, in most middle class families, there is immense pressure to have children as soon as one is married (or at least in a ‘reasonable’, socially approved time frame.
Inspite of being educated, some women may also have been taught that they must ‘adjust’ and that asking for fair treatment is unrealistic. Such things happen in all marriages, He will change once children arrive etc are common advice given to young women who want to opt out. As long as marriage is viewed as the holy grail and divorce as the end of life, few women will be able to end abusive relationships.
Thankfully, more and more young women are beginning to question such rigid norms and value themselves higher; more and more parents are valuing the real lives of their daughters over imaginary notions of honour. This is a good thing and we should be applauding people who have the courage to end such relationships rather than wringing our hands over the increasing rate of divorce.
(Just to make it clear, I do not in any way look down on women who cannot opt out of such relationships; while it may be very evident to the rest of the world, there could be a hundred factors that influence her decision, and it is not very helpful to look down our noses saying, oh, why does she stay if things are so bad).
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Very well analysed as usual Apu. I particularly liked the fact that you understand and respect why some women may not be able to walk out of abusive relationships, I find some people think women talk about abuse because they want sympathy. The fact is that most victims are ashamed of abuse and try to hide it.
Another myth is that women walk out because of (what those who know better consider) “frivolous reasons”. I feel if a woman does walk out, then her reason should be taken as serious enough. It’s a big step and not an easy one, support not moralising, is what is needed.
abuse does not have to be physical. Sometimes mental abuse is worse. Making the women feel not worthy, degrading them when they voice their opinion, not pitching in the man’s share to make the relationship work but expect women to bear all brunt with a smiling face, not respecting her parents but expecting her to serve her in-laws without questioning…I can go on. In this case, how will you justify that you are not happy in this relationship?
Very insightful post!Have to agree with rrmom too..abuse need not always be physical..one of my school friends is married to a famous singer’s grandson..her FIL is also doing very well in his profession..despite all this she is forced to give her salary to her ILs and also does all the household chores including washing everyone’s undies..her parents are very disappointed and are even thinking of divorce but she is sticking on due to societal pressure..
You know true empowerment does not lie is education or career success or financial well being.Its more the state of the mind and self-perception.When a relationship (/marriage) at any point breaks the inner core of a person the biggest thing to have is the ability to pick oneself up and go ahead with life.An eye for an eye may bring temporary peace,but for a person who is not of that type ,it is only going to inflict more sorrow.Irrespective of the decision to stay or quit if the mother can enjoy and live with her children and people she loves that will be the biggest save after a bad nightmare.
Such an insightful post. Abusive relationships can happen anywhere. Someone I know was in an abusive relationship. I got to know just recently and was shocked that she, being an educated, empowered woman, still had to go through that.
And no woman makes the decision to walk out of a relationship easily. It must take a lot of courage and strength to take such a decision and so many women, cannot even take a decision like this, despite being in very bad conditions.
“As long as marriage is viewed as the holy grail and divorce as the end of life, few women will be able to end abusive relationships.” - True, very true…
Thank you all, for your comments. As R’s mom and Sri mention, abusive is not always physical - a person can be demeaned in other ways too. I am surprised by how common such stories are - everyone seems to know someone or the other who was mistreated this way. The absence of ’safe houses’ that women can go too is another reason why few women can leave a marriage without parental support.
I think it is a mix of sympathy and avoidance of social stigma.
But, women must stand up get out of the abusive relationship.Abuse need not be physical, it may be social, mentalor just the feel of fear.
Abusive relationship in a marriage with women being victims in most cases (I know of men going thro’ hell and putting up with it) happens when the offender is suffering from a complex. I know of a case in which a man was an introvert by nature and his wife was an extrovert. He’d feel out of place in family get togethers and functions where she was more sought after. He’d come back home and beat up his wife for no real reason. The woman actually put up with it because she felt that he had to get it out of his system and how did it matter to anyone else as long as she was being abused in private? It is all in the mental tuning that makes a woman believe that men ‘are like that only’. No education and/or a career does not help nor does the support of well wishers. Women have to deal with the situation by being strong from within.
Thank you for your comments. While I agree that inner strength is important, how do we expect the many women who’ve always been taught that they are worth very little beyond their status as a wife, to suddenly acquire such strength? That’s why I feel societal attitudes and support are important.
Really interesting post…my mom (and dad) raised me to not take sh#t from anyone, including men, and to be educated and independent. They would rather see me happy and thriving in life than see me comply with some societal “standard.” I plan to raise my daughter the same way!
@Viji - great point that it’s more about state of mind and self-perception. Some of these women who are victims of abuse are (sadly) led to believe that they somehow deserve such treatment.
Right now one of my best friends is going through a bad marriage…thankfully she doesnt have kids yet..still it is very hard to take the decision!