Apu’s World

Spend plenty of time on Facebook? Infuriated by the casual assumption that some women must have done something that caused the harassment?

Join Blank Noise’s I never ask for it campaign on Facebook where you choose from their set of fantastic images and upload it as your profile pic. The entire set is here on flickr, my favourite one is below.

The instructions are simple and I suppose you can choose to use one or more of them (change your profile pic/ change your display message or any of the others).

Go on, be an Action Hero!

I know, I know, what good does activity on FB serve? Shouldn’t we be demonstrating in the streets instead, petitioning the government or something ‘weighty’ like that?

First of all, all these are not mutually exclusive. So, you can spread the message on FB and go for a rally and petition the government.

Secondly, close your eyes for 5 seconds. Can you think of at least one person in your circle who has at some time talked about a woman who was really wearing the wrong things, was in the wrong place, provoked the men, behaved inappropriately blah blah? Easy, isn’t it, to think of such a person, who in many ways, is a decent person?

Your message will talk to the many such decent people who somehow believe that in some circumstances (and curiously, this list is long), women just ask for it.

apu Women & Feminism

Do beggars annoy you? Does the sight of young children asking for handouts or women with babies dressed in rags make you mutter about ‘people who can’t do a honest day’s work’? Ever wonder why begging annoys us middle-class folks so much?

Sure, I’m not saying that every beggar on the road is deserving of your charity or that you must necessarily handover money. Yet, partly, it is a feeling that public spaces belong to us and they are just an eyesore taking up space. After all, it’s not hard to turn away without giving them a penny, so why the righteous anger? Perhaps it is a belief (which we may never articulate or even know that we have) that the poor deserve their poverty - that they didn’t do enough to get ahead (unlike us, hard-working and deserving folks).

Ex-IAS officer Harsh Mander has been writing about this issue in detail, and in one of these articles, he says, “Beggars are therefore seen not as a spectacular human tragedy but an impediment to traffic.” That says more about us of course than about the beggars on our roads. That article also provides some inputs from a study which found that, contrary to public perception, begging is not the first choice for most homeless people.

Beggars include abandoned children, the abandoned elderly, those from families that have broken up with the men migrating for jobs, the disabled, those ousted from their homes (repossessed for works of ‘public good’) and those displaced from rural areas due to famine and floods. Frequently, they may not know people in the new city/town they find themselves in and so, find it hard to get work. Ask yourself - would you hire a maid or a nanny who doesn’t have anyone in the locality to refer her?

Which is why, this ad (above) released recently by the Karnataka State Government riled me. While it has a few points on the centres set up for destitute people, the overall tone is one of how beggary needs to be penalized. Tellingly, the first 2 points on its list are about legal and punitive measures against begging. At the bottom (not visible in the pic) is a police phone number for people to call and report beggars. In other words, abdicate responsibility for the pitiable condition of people in many of Karnataka’s districts and focus on arresting them instead. Much easier, and a sop to middle-class vote banks that want a ‘cleaner’ city, never mind the human cost.

apu Other Social issues in India

It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted here; honestly, I have no idea why I’ve been away so long! Well, work was a little tight, and then I had a bad bout of sinusitis - which gave me a throbbing headache for over a week, so I was reluctant to spend any more time in front of the computer than necessary. On a more cheerful note, I also managed a trip to Goa - a delightful surprise planned by the hubby to celebrate our anniversary and his birthday, both of which fall close together. (It was even more surprising, because I am usually the trip planner-cum-coordinator).

In the meantime, I find that R’s mom has given me an award for being a creative blogger. Now, she has 7 rules associated with the award, and though I’m not going to follow the rest, the first one states that I must thank the giver, so - thank you, R’s mom, for the award and for your friendship, which I value. (And no, I’m not really thanking you just because the rules said so!)

I also found that the Hip Hop Grandmom had tagged me to participate in a contest for International Women’s Day, the topic being abusive relationships. Again, I’m not going to participate at the moment, but her post set me thinking.

I remember a distant relative of mine, a highly qualified surgeon, who got into an arranged marriage, only to realize after the wedding, that her husband bore no relation to the person he had claimed to be - in terms of education or employment. Her new family treated her poorly, and she was forced to do all the household chores despite her hectic schedule - they would not even allow her to hire a maid. Despite this situation and her periodic return to her parents’ home when things got too bad - she had two children in quick succession. And of course, once that happens, there is no walking out, because, then what will happen to the children’s future, right?

So, what makes such a woman - well-educated and financially stable refuse to think of other possibilities? I don’t know this particular woman’s reasons, but I do feel parents are one of the biggest reasons for young women putting up with abusive relationships. As the Indian Homemaker says, few Indian daughters can say, Mere paas maa hai. Of course, one may say that an educated woman should be confident enough to walk out on her own, irrespective of parental support, but life as a single woman in India is not easy, starting with simple things like renting a place to live. (Read Ramapriya’s spot-on post, Single in the City).

When children enter the equation, things become even more difficult. There is the guilt of taking something away from your children, of not giving them a stable life, of exposing them to difficulty in a society that doesn’t look very kindly upon divorce. It may also be that in some abusive relationships, the decision to use or avoid contraceptives may not be the woman’s. In any case, in most middle class families, there is immense pressure to have children as soon as one is married (or at least in a ‘reasonable’, socially approved time frame.

Inspite of being educated, some women may also have been taught that they must ‘adjust’ and that asking for fair treatment is unrealistic. Such things happen in all marriages, He will change once children arrive etc are common advice given to young women who want to opt out. As long as marriage is viewed as the holy grail and divorce as the end of life, few women will be able to end abusive relationships.

Thankfully, more and more young women are beginning to question such rigid norms and value themselves higher; more and more parents are valuing the real lives of their daughters over imaginary notions of honour. This is a good thing and we should be applauding people who have the courage to end such relationships rather than wringing our hands over the increasing rate of divorce.

(Just to make it clear, I do not in any way look down on women who cannot opt out of such relationships; while it may be very evident to the rest of the world, there could be a hundred factors that influence her decision, and it is not very helpful to look down our noses saying, oh, why does she stay if things are so bad).

apu Women & Feminism