Women and “our” housework
Last Sunday, we had a couple of close friends over for lunch. As it happens with close friends whom one has not met for a long time, it turned out as a long, rambling lunch where we were still sitting around at 5 o’clock. By the time they left, it was late evening, and somehow both Mr. B (the hubby) and I were feeling a little tired and coming down with headaches. Probably a result of the hectic, 6-day week we’d both worked and while Sunday had been fun, we hadn’t had any time to relax. And here were all the utensils still lying around, plates to be rinsed, delicate crockery to be put away. I got to it while Mr. B continued watching TV and then joined him, grumbling that he hadn’t helped me one little bit. Â I grumbled that I had to do it, I couldn’t possibly leave stuff lying around until the maid came in the next morning.
And that’s when he said, ‘You’ had to do it, I wouldn’t have, which got me thinking. What is it about housework that even the most liberated of us women continue to willing wear it around our necks like a millstone that we are proud of?
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I must say that with house work, if I am tired or not in a mood to do it, I just do not do it. I even leave washing clothes for weekends alone if the week is going too hectic.
Can’t say if it will remain the same through the years, but at present it is so.
Women do that. It’s difficult to shake off a conditioning like this. I have heard people say women love to feed a hungry family (that is by cooking themselves)… it’s like you are not good enough if you don’t. It’s similar to saying men (all men) have the famous ‘male egoes’…
With due apologies to them all,I think women like to do all these house work because they really like it and makes them feel important,indespensable…which they are.What will we ever do without them?I don’t know.
Aathira - good for you! Hope you don’t feel the pressure even later.
IHM - that’s so true.
Chowla-ji - I feel that we may like to do some tasks, but eventually, esp if you are already working outside the home, women do feel tired. An equitable division of labour helps everyone, I think.
i think, if I have a maid who would take care of it eventually, I would not mind leaving it unless it creates hygenie issue…
But you know, based on what I have seen, it really depends where the women are from, from whcih states (India specific). Because it comes a lot from the culture - how we are raised generation after geneartion. My aunt who is from Delhi always kept telling me ‘gujarati girls, they can’t just get over the house hold work’ and i really started observing. So i think it ties into how we are raised, how we change based on the life phase we go throuh and what our genes are….really…
sorry too many typos on top one,
1. i think, if I had a maid who would take care of it eventually, I would not mind leaving it unless it creates hygiene issue…
But you know, based on what I have seen, it really depends where the women are from, from which states (India specific). Because it comes a lot from the culture - how we are raised generation after generation. My aunt who is from Delhi always kept telling me ‘gujarati girls, they can’t just get over the house hold work’ and i really started observing. So i think it ties into how we are raised, how we change based on the life phase we go through and what our genes are….really…
Apu, I think it has partly to do with conditioning and partly to do with your own feeling about housework. Growing up I always saw my mom do the housework and so I automatically take it upon myself to do the bulk of it. There have been times when I have deliberately not done it and waited to see if anyone else in the house would do it for me, but guess what, it stayed as it was. Guess it’s my own fault…I have spoiled my family rotten. If I could start all over again, I’d make sure to delegate the housework instead of doing most of it myself.
Oh and I also wanted to let you know that you have won a copy of “The Locust and the Bird” by Hanan Al-Shaykh. Please send your mailing address to lotusflower777@yahoo.com. Thanks Apu.
IWW - Not sure about differences between women from diff. parts of India; IMHO, thats more stereotypes than anything else. In fact, when it comes to housework, I don’t think even Western households are that different. From what I have seen on the blogosphere, the “responsibility” for the work eventually seems to rest on the women.
Lotus - even our “own feelings” are so much impacted by conditioning, isn’t it? In you case for instance, what you saw your mother doing has an impact on how you feel about it. And - thanks for that copy! I will mail you my address.
I think women in our country will require a generation or two to actually realize that housework is not their monopoly but can be shared by other male members as well.I remember visiting a cousin who would return after a hard day at the office and actually take up the broom and sweep the house before having a bath and doing the evening puja.No, i don’t blame his wife.She was a home maker but was under some medication and had her own reasons for not cleaning up the house. But as long as I was there I took it upon myself to sweep and swab the house not wanting to ’see’ him do it. It was after all his house and he would have continued to do it after I left but the woman in me felt ’sorry’ for him when all that he was doing was sweeping his house.wouldn’t he have done it had he been a bachelor? but I don’t thnk my g’daughters’ generation would have such issues.
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Hi,
First time commenting on your blog.
Conditioning from childhood is the reason, I think.
I have had people laugh at my face when I tell them that I have a cook come in-even though I am a SAHM with 2 kids.
Cant you do even this much for your family- is an oft repeated question
Thanks all for your comments. Padma-ji, I agree that it is a slow process. As in the incident you mentioned, certain things are self-inflicted, and as Rashmi has also pointed out, embedded because of conditioning. It has to be a conscious thing to fight against them.
Swapna, will have a look…than you!
My husband says the same thing…We live in Singapore and don’t have a full-time maid (have a cleaning woman who comes in a few times a week)…He asked me one day why I cleaned the stove every time I cooked…I found his question ridiculous…I told him I cleaned because I hated living in a dirty house…Don’t get me wrong, he does help when he’s at home but as you said, he can get away by not helping if he wanted to…I think it has to do with conditioning…
Hi, first time on your blog.. and definitely, not the last time
You write well!
Now, coming to the point. I think this has very little to do with gender discrimination. It has to do with personal choice. I know men who love cleaning while their better halves dont! In that case, the guy grumbles while cleaning up coz he cant sleep without it, while the girl hardly even bothers! The same situation reversed!
I think we women got used to this routine washing,cleaning and just grumble once and get the things done by ourself.
Yesterday was festival i was tried and didnt wash the utensils,hubby only washed his plate,i slept for sometime and washed them,knowing that no help is going to come.
Sraboney - yep, men are lucky
Nova, thanks for the good words. While it may not be discrimination in the sense of being “forced” to work, I have to say that the example you’ve stated is not that common, at least in my experience - in general, it is women who “choose” to take on more, so one has to wonder why.
Saritha - yes - part of it is to due with early-on allocation of roles…once we get used to it, it is difficult to change.