That huge sense of entitlement
Excuse me for being a little angry here but what is it with (some/many?) Indian men and their huge sense of entitlement? Perhaps I should add a caveat here. You may (if you are a man) jump in and say, but, not all of us are like that. True, true. But, here’s the thing - there are enough such scum around that incidents like this one are only too common - a 25 year old woman in Mumbai, a mother of two, was gang raped and then burnt, it appears, simply because one of the assailants had been rejected by her a few years ago. Acid attacks on women who have turned down a man or broken off a relationship are only too well known.
It is a normal human tendency to feel sad when rejected by anybody. But, where is this sense of entitlement and anger coming from? Why this feeling that she must like me, I am too good to be rejected, I cannot possibly be turned down?
In my opinion, this starts out with the preferential treatment that many boys receive at home. Let’s start with simple things like the traditional Indian style of eating where the mother cooks and keeps serving while others eat, and then has her meal once everyone is done. The girls in the family too are roped in to help mother in the kitchen, as soon as they are old enough. The boys? The boys sit and eat their hearts’ fill. Perhaps this is why I’ve often seen men help themselves and even empty the vessel without any thought of whether the women who will eat later will have enough. When the message is that everything revolves around you, why bother to contradict that?
Food is just one of the many ways in which boys are subtly and un-subtly told that they are better, that they deserve the best, that in fact, whoever denies them what they want is simply wrong. In case you think it is only a few backward people who behave like this - unfortunately not. The scale of discrimination may be smaller in urban families but it is still there. Boys may be allowed to set the table, for instance, but in South Indian households, they will still rarely be allowed to clean up after meals the traditional way, where you sprinkle water and use your hand to clean. This is demeaning to them you see, although its perfectly ok for girls. Ecchal Idardu is what we call it in Tamizh, a concept difficult to translate into any non-Indian language, but would roughly correspond to jhoota saaf karna (झूठा साफ़ करना) in Hindi. I remember once going to a relative’s house, where after lunch, their two boys were excused while I, the guest was asked to clean up, because, that’s what girls are supposed to do!
It goes on in many other ways, including the amount of freedom girls and boys are allowed. (Girls are told that this is for their own safety, while the truth is that many crimes against women occur at home and are perpetrated by relatives and so-called friends). Of course, while every other Indian household is this way, not every boy raised this way is going to become a killer or acid-thrower. We can’t deny though that such conditioning is a great way to make boys (and the men they become) think that the world owes them everything. It develops a false sense of manliness based on others kow-towing to you rather than on reciprocal, affectionate relationships.
Movies too have a role in promoting this ideal of manliness. Mainstream South Indian movies have taken this to an extreme with the Cult of the Eve-Teasing Hero, who mysteriously, gets (often, more affluent and educated) beautiful women to fall for him because of or inspite of the tactics he uses, which the more sane among us would only call sexual harassment. Great role models for boys in this country! Should we wonder that some among this lot aspire to darker versions of what their heroes practise on screen?
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Mainstream South Indian movies have taken this to an extreme with the Cult of the Eve-Teasing Hero
This is one ideology of South Indian directors which are saddening to see, when there are so many wonderful movies also made by the same crowd. I think every society has a fair share of good and evil, and more than movies and society, the matters discussed at home and the role of women that they see around them, shapes a boy’s outlook to women in general.
I recently read an article about a girl, who refused to be married at 12 years of age, and her parents punished her by not giving her food for close to 5 days. Following which, the government and school intervened resulting in the parents giving in to her demands to study. In a country where girls are not required to be anything more than a family bearer, what hope is there for women even if they are educated. I think the men need the education first, to open their eyes and accept women for humans and not just a body which arouses them.
Apu this is a wonderful post!! I always wondered at why do they harm a girl they love… couldn’t quite get it, anger, jealously?? But there is no doubt that at the root of it all is this sense of entitlement. And you are right about how this happens… this post should be read by more people.
Agree with everything on your post. As a kid, I have always seen my older cousin sisters doing the cleaning, the Ecchal Idardu or jhoota saaf karna-everything. We boys just ran away to laze around before the TV set or play broad games. At grandmom’s place we could sleep till 9 am and no one would question us. But the gals have to be up by 6 am.
Thankfully I didn’t grow up to believe that’s how it should be.
Bang on! The Tamil and Telugu mass entertainers can’t get worse in portraying a woman.
Aside, I have been reading you for a while and like this space.
Best wishes.
Agree with you completely! The Eve-Teasing Hero isn’t restricted to South Indian films, unfortunately - I see that in so many Bollywood movies, and even in Hollywood ones.
Aathira, I’m glad at least that 12 year old was able to get such support from outside. I recently came across the horrific case of that 12 year old Yemeni girl who died in childbirth…
IHM - Thank you. The thing is, it’s not really love, it’s what our films show as love and of course the tremendous sense of what a man is owed.
Praveen - Thanks for the good words. It’s nice to come across men who make an independent effort, despite the way families try to inculcate gender norms.
Unmana - I haven’t seen it in that many Hindi movies - though yes, I do remember the movies of the 80s where the “taming” of the “too-independent-wife” was a common theme.
It is not really Tamil movies,it is now even in Hindi movies.
So true. I can’t recall the name of that horrendous Anil Kapoor movie where he rapes the heroine (Juhi?) who then decides she is his wife and proceeds to ‘convert’ him.
@ Rohini: horrendous yes! and that is the remake of a Tamil film again.
Chowla-ji - looks like my Hindi movie repertoire hasn’t been good enough, since everyone here is convinced on this point!
Rohini - as Praveen says, that’s a remake of this horrendous Tamil movie (which has actually been on my mind - women’s role of redeemer..)
Cheap minds have made the movie in Telugu and Kannada as well.
I hesitate to say this, but I recollect it won a National award for addressing a social issue..and that is not rape unfortunately.
“Movies too have a role in promoting this ideal of manliness. Mainstream South Indian movies have taken this to an extreme with the Cult of the Eve-Teasing Hero, who mysteriously, gets (often, more affluent and educated) beautiful women to fall for him because of or inspite of the tactics he uses, which the more sane among us would only call sexual harassment.”
Just the other day a friend and I were discussing the same. It is not just Tamil movies but entire Indian cinema where you get super hits like Kambakht Ishq which just promotes male chauvinism. When a woman slaps a man in a Tamil movie for eve teasing then she is this rich spoilt girl who must be a taught a lesson by poor hero guy.
Even in NCERT Hindi books at one time, there were sentences like Ram khaana khaane aao, Kamala khaana paroso. We have advertisements where women are shown making hot puris in a new Oil while their husband and kids sit at dining table gorging on it without offering any help.
very well written post!
a guy who makes tea is a big hero but a woman who is an accomplished professional, and doesn’t want to cook, is a loser.
Ha! I was watching Mr. & Mrs. 55 last night and was wondering exactly the same thing. The way our movies (Kollywood or Bollywood: Rest assured, it’s just not the South Indian movies. I could give you a long list of Bollywood movies on the subject matter.) make fun of any feminist movement and how they teach us about the value of women’s life is in serving their Husband even if he abuses you. I wonder why do all these movie makers were so against women rights? Why did we ever do to them?
Anyway, great post. And thanks for spelling the correct spelling of Tamizh. I am not a Tamizh but I do appreciate the subtleties of the language. I just wish I could pronounce it correctly too. I know a lot of Tamizh can’t either so I don’t get too embarrassed either..
Thanks all for your comments.
Praveen - I think the movie you are referring to is Pudiya Padai, which is hailed as a ‘path breaking movie’.
Solilo - yes, others have also pointed out that when it comes to demeaning women, Hindi movies are not to be left behind! My guess is that they do it a little more slickly, that’s all.
Sandhya - thanks - what you’ve said is so true - esp catch a guy taking care of his own child, and the credit he gets is unimaginable!
Richa - I suppose these film-makers reflect the mentality of spelling at large. As for the Tamizh , well ‘Tamil’ is pretty much accepted when writing in English, but yes, I prefer the other spelling. and yes, no need to get embarrassed, if you hear the way many TV anchors speak, you’ll know you have nothing to be embarrassed about
Very well written.Our films add more fuel to existing MCP’s.Songs are written showing a female doing everything in the house,taking care of inlaws,feeding the guest etc..all alone.And i am sure men who see this wants his wife to do all that without complaining.
My cousin is a doctor and her hubby doesn’t work,it is she without a servant does everything before going to her clinic and comes in the afternoon to serve lunch to her hubby and again after coming from clinic at night does the cooking,when i asked her why dont she hire a servant,she says hubby doesn’t like servants to do the house work and doesnt help her also in her work.
Saritha - the story you mention isn’t uncommon - I’ve heard another one pretty much like it; and what’s surprising is how women put up with it INSPITE of being financially independent.
Yeh I suppose that was Partiban’s Puthiya Pathai.
@Saritha
Shocking to see that being the bread earner for the family does not even entitle you half the rights a man demands when he does the same for his family.
So true!! So true! My blood used to boil when I used to watch those movies. I still remember one movie in which a wife tells her husband her legs are paining, so he starts pressing them. This act is witnessed by an someone who is horrified that the husband is pressing the legs of his wife!! She is this bad, bad woman who treats her husband like a servant (in the opinion of the movie director).
In my house too, my mom is working and my dad works from home. Yet, it’s my mom who does all the house work (helped by me) before she leaves for office. And my mother is nagged by my grandmother for not taking care of us and for making her poor daughter work so much (that’s me).
My brother is completely pampered by her, but I’m my grandmother’s personal slave. Until a few years ago, my brother simply accepted it. But, now he seems to have realised that it’s not right. Now, he helps with the house work and when my grandma gives him something, he makes her give me too.
This thought occured to me a few days ago. In my grandmas eyes I’m not really “family” coz I will get married and go away. But, then when I get married, I will never be really family there either. They will be in laws. So, I never get to have people who are solely mine? Why does it have to be this way?
I’m sorry abt the long, rambling comment. But, I’m a feminist and just thinking about these things makes me shake with anger. I can go on and on about this topic.
Sarky woman - comments of young women like you, which I see again and again in different places, remind me why there is still so much for us to do before we can call ourselves a fair society! Perhaps one comfort you may take is that when you get married, if you do find a suitable and fair-minded spouse, you will eventually have a family of your own, regardless of how your in-laws are. And of course, just because your grandmother thinks you belong elsewhere doesn’t mean that the family you are born into isn’t yours. Also, it is nice to read about young men like your brother who are questioning the norms they were brought up with.