The trouble with growing older
Over the weekend, while walking along this little lane off MG Road, an old man came up to me and started asking for some money. The strange thing was, he didn’t look like most people who beg on the road. He wore a (reasonably clean) white shirt and white dhoti, and talked like an educated person. The stranger thing is, I’ve met this man before, on Commercial Street. So, it looks like he frequents shopping areas, looking for people to give him money. I wondered if it could be some kind of a con job, and yet, I couldn’t imagine why a 70 year old man would roam the streets unless he had to. So, I gave him ten rupees anyway.
But it set me thinking about the number of old people who seem to have no one at all. There are some who you know have been poor all their lives. There are some on the roads who’ve clearly been used to something better and have ‘come down in life’ as they say. Perhaps some of them don’t have children who can care for them. Perhaps some of them have children who have abandoned them. I have seen such people in old-age homes, people from ‘decent’, middle-class homes.
And yet, while never being in favour of abandoning an aged person, I also come across old people who are so, so difficult to live with that its easy to see why families split up (I’m not counting here so much the ones that split up for reasons of money and property). I wonder if this is something peculiarly Indian - the kind of pent-up rage and frustration one sees in families. On the one hand, we don’t have the freedom of the West (everyone takes responsibility for themselves, children live independently). On the other hand, we don’t give old people the ‘head of the family’ status that they would have taken for granted 20 years ago. So, we’re stuck in a situation where people have to live together and everyone fights, quietly or otherwise, for the power seat.
I know we sometimes excuse older people for their behaviour by saying that old age is a regression to childhood. But I think that applies only to people who are turning senile or have such issues. People don’t in general change their natures - if you’ve been crabby and dominating all your life, old age perhaps just amplifies that. Many ‘regular’ older people simply don’t want to give up the reins they’ve held all their lives - and at such times, I wonder if it is ever sensible for more than two adults to live together! I can’t bring myself to completely admire the Western system of everyone living independently - there is a lot to be said for children learning from grandparents, and older people may also enjoy themselves more when living in an extended family. Yet, does it make sense to live separately and cordially rather than living together and bickering? Perhaps human nature is to want to control, in which case, it makes sense for everyone to have their own castle!
The ideal situation would be if everyone could give and take a little. But our mindset is so skewed towards accepting ‘tradition’ and the wisdom of elders as a given, that changes are not easily accepted. It’s still largely mens’ parents that a couple lives with, and except in very liberal families, daughters-in-law will be accused of creating trouble if they suggest changes. (Why, many parents-in-law expect that they should be able to dictate what the DIL wears, how often she can visit her parents etc.) In another generation, perhaps this situation will change significantly - I wish we could achieve some sort of a balance, i.e. treat older people with respect, appreciate their wisdom, care for them and yet not have to treat it as gospel or feel stifled. For most people, especially women, this is still a little far away.
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Very fair and balanced perspective on a subject that is very close to my heart!! ….Sometimes there is also the feeling of martyrdom and obligation that sets in to complicate matters further
I agree Apu. Senior citizens should be treated with respect, many parents are realising that they are better off, and have more fun being parents instead of being dictators… I hope we so more of such senior citizens.
We need to see that children, teenager and women are not fools. And all adults including women have to be treated like adults.
I Believe in old tradition.Senior citizens must be treated well and with respect.It is said that after the of 60,parents must be treated like the children.If the children dirty the table,so will the elders.This can be a very debatable topic but in my opinion seniors need to be looked after and must not interfere with running of the household or how often DIL should go to her parents etc.
with two years to my retirement and my husband having bid farewell to his work I wonder if I’d feel comfortable sharing a roof with my children. The fact that all of them are abroad and I don’t feel like settling there also compounds my dilemma. Yet my parents in law had no such issues.It is not anyone’s fault. My in laws were financially dependant on my husband for support and we are not dependant to the extent they were. In case of illness and costly medical treatment we also would require our children to pitch in. So is it perhaps necessary to have a certain degree of inter dependance for people to adjust? Is all this talk about cultural values a pleasant sounding myth?
Art - yes, whenever there is too much sense of obligation rather than a willingness/interest in doing something, I feel it leads to trouble.
IHM - families where both parties give and take, things are always smoother..
Chowla-ji, agree totally that senior citizens must be treated with respect, though I don’t quite agree that elders ought to be treated as children; however, respect should not mean blind obedience or suppressing conflicts until things burst one day.
Padma-ji, you’ve brought out one important point - financial dependendence; sometimes I do think the earlier joint family wasn’t as much about ‘cultural values’ as it was about financial safety and dependence. Many elders are questioning the wisdom of living with their children; perhaps its better to be logical and decide on an option that best suits each person than thinking that ’sons must live with parents’ etc etc.
I raised multiple children. They all became college graduates and successful. When my husband died, after our being together over 50 years, my children basically abandoned me and make virtually no effort for me to see my grandchildren (over 10 of them). A few children live out of state and they tell me to go and see them (I have to fly) and the few that live around here, now want nothing to do with me because I criticized them so much about leaving me alone and replacing me with friends of theirs. I am a grandmother who loves her grandchildren and cannot see them. I don’t know what to do.
Shirley, I’m so sorry to hear that - it would be nice to have a happy medium where children neither feel obliged to do everything for their parents nor completely abandon them. In such a situation, perhaps, hard as it may be, the only solution for you may be to look outwards and develop new friends and interests to keep yourself occupied.
I think that older people, on the whole, are treated as irrelevant,particularly widows, such as myself, living alone. To me, there is nothing worse than living alone! You go out and when you come home, there is no one there—no one to even care as to whether you came home! When you go out, you see people, with people! But, you are alone. In a world of myriad of people, you are alone! Thre is nothing worse than that! I used to be in favor of capital punishment for criminals. But, no more! The worse punishment would be, life in prison, in isolation! That is the absolute worse punishment anyone could have! Where are all of those caring children who realy take an interest in and care for and demonstrate love for their aged parents, particularly the ones who live alone. I know that there are some of these children out there–lucky are the parents who have them! Thank you.
Shirley, I can imagine. Not sure in which part of the world you live, but I believe due to this very reason, some older people are opting to live in senior citizen homes - for the safety as well as companionship. Like I said, I’m not entirely a fan of the Western system of children “having” to move out, but at the same time, in the Indian case, sometimes the opposite is true - where adult children cannot move out even if they want to. The happiest cases I’ve seen are of children who live quite close by to their parents (maybe in an adjoining flat etc) and are therefore available for help but still have their privacy.
Living alone–being alone–being irrelevant–what could possibly be worse? If one has Cancer or a painful medical issue–but–has another human being with him/her, that is better than being alone! There are so many people out there–particularly, elderly widows such as myself–how can we all join together and help each other out and support each other, so we don’t feel so, so lonely? Thank you.
Siranoush, thank you for your comment. I know elderly people who prefer to live alone, and those who would like company - guess it depends on the individual. Of course, when there are medical conditions involved or when the person is really old, more support is needed. I am not a total advocate of nuclear families either - I do see the logic of extended families - provided there is give and take on both sides. The absence of this give and take is what is leading to the mushrooming of elder care centres (besides pure selfishness, in some cases).
I would like to share some of my story with your readers to see if any of them, feel the same as me.
I am a widow, after 55 years; raised multiple children, all college graduates, with their own families and friends now. Most of them, live out of state from me. Since my husband, whom my children adored, passed away almost 4 years ago, most of my children have shown very little interest in me. I suspect it is because I am not needed now and there is very little to hold us together. Their children, my grandchildren, rarely visit me also and, if they come, they immediately go to the television set! This is a negative for me. But, out of every negative, one has to look for a positive–and–the positive for my children, I believe, is, that when I pass on, they will not miss me. You see, how can someone miss someone who is no longer a part of their life!?
I’m sure they love me, but, I really am out of their lives. I am not needed as a baby sitter, so, what am I needed for? Nothing? In the past, if one of my children or grandchildren was hurt or sick, I would immediately go to them–take a plane or whatever. I would always go. They never would ask me. My love for them, would take me there! So–I am always here for them, but, they are not here for me. What do your other readers think about this. I would sincerely like to hear! Thank you.
Siranoush - since you have shared your story with us and asked for readers’ comments, I have put up your comment as a separate post. http://apusworld.com/blog/2010/04/a-question-from-a-reader/. Do follow the comments there - I hope other readers will take time to share their views.
Mother’s Day is coming up–Sunday, May 9th. I really do not like it for the following personal reasons: (1) My mother is not living; (2) It always seems to be some kind of a test as to how one’s child/children, feel about Mother! Did they give her a gift? What did they give her? Did they call her? Did they offer to take her out for dinner? For many moms/grandmothers, etc., I’m sure it is a wonderful and joyous occasion–being recognized as they should be. But, I am also saddly sure, that there are moms and grandmas out there, who are not remembered and that is a source of great hurt for them on Mother’s Day. For these latter women, I say, you are a great mom/grandma! Be happy in and of yourself, knowing that you also did your best. Take comfort in knowing what a nice, generous, caring and loving person you are. (I’m also saying this for myself, to prepare me for my children’s potential of ignoring me on Mother’s Day!).
I have a question for your readers. What would you do in this circumstance. Your almost 80 years old. You live alone. You have no family and just a few friends. You have been told that you must have a hysterectomy because of a prolapsed uterus which is in Stage 4–the worst possible stage. Would you go through with the operation–with the pain–disability for a period, etc. just to get back to that former life which was not much of a life to begin with. Why would you go through with it?
I would like to ask your readers what they would do in this situation. I am 78 years old, female. I have to have a hysterectomy and the lifting of two organs, and, now, I have been diagnosed with Stage 0 cancer. If you were me, would you undergo any of this surgery? To me, first they are going to put me through all kinds of treatment for the breas cancer, and then, I have waiting for me in the wings, the hysterectomy, etc.. Bearing in mind that I feel fine now, if you were me, would you just let things alone and just go on with life and just keep yourself at a comfort level with no treatment. Quality of life means more to me than undergoing all kinds of treatment, etc, for length of life. I have already had 78 years of good life. I don’t mind letting things alone. I would like to hear what your readers think. Many thanks.
Is it just me or does it seem there is one person using many aliases! Why so many different names? Why would someone try to make people think they’re different people. It’s very confusing as to why someone would do that but maybe that’s part of their problems. It does make it seem unauthentic though!
Closing comments to this article - because we are getting a lot of similiar comments here; now, I don’t really want to think what Helen says above, but the thing is, that I doubt readers will have anything new to say to these problems other than what has been said above, and while wanting to be helpful, I doubt we can offer any specialist expertise in this area. So, hopefully, anyone who comes here will go through these comments and find them of some use.