Marriage at any costs
I read a startling bit of news today. The Delhi High Court is to decide whether rape charges against an alleged rapist can be dropped if the victim decides to marry the rapist! This is so incredibly saddening - that in many parts of our country, women are still considered “damaged goods” if they are raped. Whatever a few empowered urban women might feel, the truth is that most women in our country still don’t have much of a future if they don’t get married. The husband might be an alcholic wife-beater, but she still has some security as a married woman - and the marriage prospects of a woman who has been raped, take a beating. Not to mention the shame she is made to feel, for having been raped.
Not surprising then, that a victim who has actually changed her religion to be able to marry her rapist, says, ”The rape case has made my life hell and jeopardised my future prospects of leading a happy married life. I want to marry Ali, as our marriage would end my ordeal.” Being left unmarried and having to live with the shame of having been ’spoiled’ is a worse fate to her, than having to marry a man who violated her body and her dignity.
I don’t know if the court can actually prohibit a marriage between two ‘consenting’ individuals, even if the consent has literally been forced upon the victim. If they can prohibit the marriage, it would be good from a larger perspective - rapists can’t just commit a crime and patch it up by offering marriage; but what about her own case? Unless society’s attitudes change, she will have to live with the ’shame’ of something that is in no way her fault.
If they get married and the court drops charges, it does send a signal that rape is ok provided you offer ‘honour’ to the victim. On the other hand, If they get married, and the court refuses to drop the charges, she would face trouble having to prosecute her now ‘husband’.
The whole thing makes me sick, and yet, while that woman’s decision seems startling, is it not the result of a society that refuses to acknowledge the worth of its girls as independent from the state of their virginity?
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Its so saddening to see something like this. I completely agree that its just society which has driven the woman to take such a step. And I am quite certain that the case shall be dropped after the marriage(if it happens)…. else the case shall be lost by the girl anyhow after that.
But I remember I read an article about a woman who was raped, stood up for herself, decided to be strong enough to start working, and I think she later married too. I guess its always about how strong you are, or else how much family support one gets.
what kind of a twisted society are we living in??
marry your rapist?have our courts too gone mad???
damn damn damn!
I agree, they don’t seem to have much future if they are not married. I have heard some maids say it is better to be widows - you are left alone, you work, you raise your kids without being beaten and you live a freer life!
Apu, Rape in societies such as ours is not seen in the same context as in many Western countries - here, it is more a violation of a virgin’s honor, a removal of that which makes her marriagable material rather than any infringement on her personal and emotional rights. I have noticed that people do not give as much notice to the fact that men can be raped too because in their minds there is no violation, so no need to worry about it. These would be the same people who would say that there is no definition of rape within marriage. Again, a woman can herself be a strong individual but can get worn down easily by the collective society heaping guilt and blame on her.
Aathira -yes, there are a few victims who fight back, but in a society like ours, and considering the slowness with which court cases proceed, it isn’t easy…
Indyeah - it is depressing, but the courts are actually facing a problem here - what do they do when victims want the cases to be dropped because they are marrying the rapist?
IHM - true - sometimes women are much better off without such men, but still the “married” tag offers some dignity.
Laksh - that’s true.. in fact, this powerful piece by Annie Zaidi, which I read recently, talks about how our film industry too mostly ties in to these stereotypes - http://www.anniezaidi.com/2009/03/in-wake-of-wounded-woman.html - worth a read
Marriage at any cost is not surprising in a country where girls are considered someone else’s ‘amanat’ to be safeguarded and keppt ‘pure’ till her husband claims her.So what if he is a wife beater.A PO in a bank, an only daughter copes with a scizophrenic husband because her dad says that her life is now linked to her husband and she has to listen to what he and his family says.The girl doesn’t even plan a divorce.All she asks for is that her father arrange for some treatment for him.Theirs is an arranged marriage yet both families shirk responsibility.This can only change if educated womenshow the way.
“Is it not the result of a society that refuses to acknowledge the worth of its girls as independent from the state of their virginity? ”
It is. More specifically, to the extent that she does not have decent marriage prospects in sight because she was raped (and possibly her background etc).
One way to look at it is that it is an “arranged marriage”. People marry for many different reasons. One cannot fault her for doing this, but what she needs is counseling on what she is getting into potentially. If they marry, and she decides to drop charges, the law must provide additional protection for her rights, particularly against domestic violence and abuse. May be by giving her a lot more leeway in terms of her right to press charges related to abuse under the domestic violence act.
Padmaji - so true. The case you’ve mentioned isn’t uncommon at all.
Sri - actually, more than arranged, I would call it ‘forced’ - harsh societal norms force a woman into something repugnant. One certainly cannot fault her considering the little support our society provides. But, if she does marry, I doubt law can do much to protect her - surely someone who can rape is capable of violence (in such or any other form) -and while domestic violence laws exist, the implementation is so poor.
If I was ever forced in such situation, that is to say if someone ever achieved the impossible, I would have poisoned my so-called “Husband” very slowly and very painfully. I would make it my life’s business to learn about poisons who can achieve such a task for me.. And if I was ever caught (and I pray I would be), I would argue: What other choice does court gave me? How can they send me to prison after forcing me to become insane?