Amreekan Housewives and H4 Issues
A recent documentary on highly educated Indian women who go on to become ‘H4 wives’ i.e spouses who travel on dependant visas and therefore are ineligible to work in the United States, is making much waves. Many questions are being raised, including why the U.S sees it as imperative that spouses not be allowed to get into the job market. While many of them are engineers and there may be fears of them competing with local workers, that should apply to the primary H1B holder spouse as well, isn’t it? Also, there will be others such as nurses who can fill crucial shortages in the American economy.
Leaving aside the question of why the U.S is so reluctant to grant accompanying spouses the right to work, my own question is - knowing fully well the legal situation in the U.S, what is it that makes highly educated Indian women, some with many years of work experience, so willing to take up the H4 role? And - if an educated and aware woman decides that the American dream is worth dropping her hard-won career for, does she deserve any sympathy when boredom and loneliness come knocking?
From what I have seen of friends, relatives and acquaintances, I can think of a couple of reasons why someone with a career in India might be willing to drop it for the life of a housewife in America. Some women might think that with a kid in the near future (and kids are rarely not on the visible horizon, after marriage), they are anyways likely to take a career break or even stop working; so, stepping down a few years earlier is not such a big deal. Some might reason that the H4 is not an unbreakable trap - there are ways to upgrade your status and move to a H1 visa, including further education in the U.S, though this is no longer the guarantee it used to be. For such optimistic women, things sometimes work out, sometimes not - and when not, it can be a bitter experience.
Some believe that the husband’s career (and pay) is so significant, and the experience of living in the U.S so many worlds removed from life in India, that making this sacrifice is worth it. Some don’t see themselves as having a career, only a job - and genuinely believe that they will be more content as homemakers. A few, get married, without realising what life in the U.S really involves - being a housewife in the U.S is not the same as being a housewife in India - no family to call or visit, no friendly bai to chat with, few places you can walk to, in larger cities.
Whichever of these (or other) reasons it is, these are highly educated women who should have no trouble understanding the terms and conditions of their entry to the U.S. When there are sufficient jobs in the Indian economy and yet, life in the U.S. looks much more enticing - well, in this case, it really is a question of choices, isn’t it? I have absolutely no hassle with anyone who chooses that life, but I do find it hard to be sympathetic to women who are so willing to give up their careers and then cry about it. I can absolutely sympathise with mothers who have small children and are forced to choose between a high-flying career and child care, but for H4 wives, no one is forcing them to make that choice; staying in your homeland and working is always an option.
One could say of course that marrying a man based in the U.S. leaves you with little choice. On the other hand, what makes you marry a man at the cost of your career, or what prevents the man from relocating to a place where his wife doesn’t have to forego her career?
As one of the commentors over at Feministe says, “the moral of the story is - if your career is essential to your personal identity and self-worth, don’t quit your job to immigrate on a non-working visa.” At a deeper level, what this also suggests to me is that marriage is still very much a holy grail for most of us Indian women and we will jump over hoops to gain it, whether or not on equal terms. Depressing?
(Note: I know there has been a lot of noise recently about Indian men in the U.S being unable to find brides, but I think this is more recession-fuelled and less due to the career commitments of women, though that is naturally becoming more of a factor.)
How come you write the posts I want to write, and so much better?
I read the Feministe post too, and had the same reaction. Totally agree with you. We’re supposed to feel sorry for someone who gave up a career to get married and now complains she is getting a raw deal?
Hey, the blog looks great! I’ve been reading it on Google Reader recently so hadn’t seen this.
Excellent post, Apu. I like how you married the piece on ineligible Indian bachelors with this documentary with “wasted” and “dependent” H-4 brides, pun not particularly intended.
I recall having the same conversation with quite a few of my male friends here in the US, and usually I have been told that these well-educated women have been advised of the challenges in finding employment, even in normal times, let alone a once-in-a-generation recession. Luckily, though a good majority have found some employment in fairly short order. I guess for the others, the lustre of the American lifestyle could easily turn into a strong buyer’s remorse.And you bring several valid viewpoints.
I was appalled, too, with the description of women “being brought into” the US, and that too “only in the most base functions as women: housewives…”. I dont know what gives the author any right to pick some functions as “the most base” for women. Its a terribly self-defeating statement for women’s rights, and after reading that, one cannot be blamed for conjuring up images of Indian women (highly educated, that too) being herded (or trafficked perhaps?)into H-4B aeroplanes by the sinister planning by the H-1B men and their families. In regard to the US laws preventing employment for dependent visa-holders, sufficeth to say that for aliens in a foreign land, we expect far too much leeway and show very little sensitivity to local interests in immigration laws in the US.
Unmana - thanks for the good words! I do think Feminism isn’t about privileged women whining about opportunities they knowingly gave up.
Sri - yes, I missed that bit. It wasn’t clear from the feministe post who actually says those words, but I was appalled that someone would describe homemaking or childcare as base or even basic; it is certainly neither, and yes, highly defeating for feminists (or anyone else) if we start describing very necessary and worthwhile activities that way. Like I said, those are valid choices and people who genuinely want to do that shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of it.
And yeah, I honestly don’t understand the way they describe it as if these women are being trafficked. I can’t comment on whether the US should or should not grant working rights to more people, not being familiar with local situation there, but certainly educated women ought to check the laws before getting into such a situation.
I agree with you about the “choice” part. However, most H4 wives are in that role through marriages they have been arranged into- and yes I know choice enters there too- but do they know they have a choice? I see my husbands colleagues wives here in the US- the only way out of the H4 situation for some is to take courses and get into some kind of job though that after changing their status. yet a lot of them do not do that- I guess it takes a temperament to work or even to be independent- it is much easier to go with what happens. And it is not because they are particularly lazy, rather because they have been conditioned to think that way- that is the real tragedy not the obdurate laws.
:)Apu, your post, takes us back to the old debate, of whether ‘choices’ are indeed ‘choices’. How many educated women, really do have the choice, not to marry? You are right, in saying, that there are several women, who choose to marry late or choose not to. But the intensity of pressures for women is indeed much higher in comparison to men. Pressures, can come in all forms, even in the form of love, from your parents!! Of course, this also tends to play in the mind of women. They indeed have hard decisions to take when it comes to marriage. It is far more easier for men, in this regard, and the age in which women will be expected to take these decisions will also be much earlier. Similarly, I wonder, how many of those women, do really, have the choice, that they took. Many years before, may be, the people could have been enthused by a life in the US. However, today, I wonder if that plays a big role.
Therefore, I do think , we still can reserve some sympathy!
Allytude - oh no, I am not at all suggesting that they are lazy, and I know little about exactly how hard it is to change your H4 status. However, I am saying that these could be ‘arranged marriages’ - most marriages in India still are - but not ‘forced’ marriages.
BD - no one is denying that there is pressure. But, if you look at the Indian situation - these women are at the absolute top of the pyramid. Especially those who have worked before, have their own money. If women who are from (mostly) urban backgrounds, highly educated and financially independent - will not take a stance, then who in this country will?!
I am not at all saying that anyone should drop the idea of marriage. There are however plenty of men in India itself, isn’t it? So, even in an arranged marriage, its not like there aren’t choices. I am arguing that in this context, going to the U.S on an H4 visa is definitely a choice, not something ‘forced’ or a bogus choice.
This one is something I can relate with:).
A visa is a privilege and not a right, however the frustration is over the fact that these laws were last revised decades ago when there were very few H1 visa holders and women did not work(even in the US the # was very less). Also, the current laws allow the spouses of L1 visa holders(ex. worker of foreign companies - Infosys, TCS employees’ who come here through intra-company transfers) work. Whereas those whose spouses work for the US companies are not allowed to work. Basically, the laws are mindless and with glottalization at its peak, they need a through revision.
Also, I somehow feel that you’ve focused on the category of women who marry men(mostly the arranged way) living in the states and thus go on H4 visa. There are many who don’t belong to this category. There are many different situations when women find themselves agreeing for a H4 status:
1. You marry the man, not his location, his career, his visa status. Many girls I know did not think they would ever leave their careers, but then they fell in love with their men and made the tough choice of marrying them, despite and not because of, their H1 visas. love can be a blinding, and may be stupid reason to leave one’s career.
2.The woman was in relationship with the man BEFORE he moved to the states(for education/job etc) OR the man was living in India when they got married and was not on H1 visa in the US(that would have come later on in their lives). So if your husband is moving to another country for his job(sometimes it may be a demand from his employer, and not his choice) some women may choose to compromise for their kids or their own sanity.
3. Many women believe that H4 is a ‘temporary’ situation since many plan on and do indeed, return after a short stint abroad. So this short duration can become the time when they have a baby/take a break from career. The pain and the complain comes when the situation changes(for whatever reason) and they are forever stuck with a H4 status.
4. Many Indian women have part of their family already migrated to the states - IMO they make the happiest bunch of H4 visa holders:). Many of them pursue their other interests - including writing a novel or taking dancing as a profession:).
5. I know of a couple of cases where women chose to leave their careers behind for a more peaceful life in the US, ie to not deal with the problems with relatives/in-laws(specially intercaste/inter-religious marriages). H4 is definitely less painful than living in our society with a stigma.
Bottom line - it is not necessarily the lure of the foreign land that makes Indian women marry men on H1 visa. Accepting a H4 status could be a well informed decision, with the caveat that future offers no prior information:).
Having said that, I know that many choose to move to the states with the fanciful ideas of having a grand life and are disappointed ‘coz it could get really boring, if you are not creative and passionate enough to keep yourselves occupied, w/o a job.
Sparsh, thank you for that long and detailed comment! I am not the best person to comment on US visa laws - I know too little. As you say, it is possible that the laws need updating. But still, one should understand what one is getting into, ‘under current laws’.
As for the situations you’ve pointed out -
#1 and 2 - if there is so much love, what prevents men from making some sacrifices for their wives careers? of course some times, one may person may decide to sacrifice for a while - and if this is a mutual, well-thought out decision, I have absolutely no issues with it.
# 3- yes, I had mentioned that - but I do think this being a bit naive and optimistic. what guarantee that the situation will change?
#4 and 5 - well these women don’t have an issue, do they?
my point is - the decision to go on an H4 itself is not what is wrong/ problematic - but one has to deal with the consequences and be prepared for that…
Apu, First of all, sorry for hogging your space. didn’t realize I was writing a post myself:). It gets onto my nerves too when women who knowingly ‘chose’ H4 status complain about being on H4 and I am not sympathizing with them.
What bothered me about your post was the concluding line that marriage is a holy grail for us Indian women and we are ready to get it on any terms - I don’t agree with it, specially when it is the conclusion drawn in the context of H4 wives.
Nor do I agree that ‘deal with the consequence and be prepared for it’ works well in the context of changing countries. It is too simplistic a remark for something that is a lot more complicated.
More in my email:).
my daughters faced the same plight and took the same route of obtaining a student visa, doing their masters and Ph.d respectively and finally landing a job.the years that they spent at home doing nothing were painful to them and more painful to their husbands who were treated to their constant cribbing.but the choice was theirs and it was they who found a way out.I agree that they should not complain abt. the situation but bonding in the initial years of marriage is also important.the best alternative would be to apply for a job soon after deciding to marry and postpone the actual wedding till a job is secured.my SIL’s daughter in law did just that.smart girl.
Sparsh - long comments welcome so long as they’re interesting
Well, perhaps the conclusion was a bit harsh, but I do find it inexplicable that educated women give up their careers so easily - I am being judgemental here, but the reasons don’t strong enough to me - or if they are, people shouldn’t complain. Look forward to your mail…
Padmaji - I do agree that in the initial years of marriage, few people want to stay apart…well, that’s a choice. And yes - figuring out the importance of one’s career and how to handle it, before getting married does solve many issues…
It is said that you do not realize the pains of a path unless you trod the same… so very true! Five years back I probably would have agreed with you.. leaving the career for the sake of marriage would have sounded unjustifiable to me too.. but things seldom happen as one would like it to happen.. In the best case scenario I would have liked to be working and not taken a break right now (I was working for past seven years in 3 different countries). But when I married the man I fell in love with seven years ago and when his career had just started in a field which is not yet well established in India, I had to make the sacrifice of leaving my career and stand by him till he gains a footage of his own.. The decision is not an easy one.. and not because marriage is a “holy grail”, but the commitment to be for each other is. The decision was not imposed on me, and I was well aware of the inability to work under H4 visa. YEt it does hurt me.. long days in boredom.. and away from the busy life that I had. And in one of those moments, I so wished that the visa status is in-synch with all other developed countries like UK, Australia etc. and L1 visa in the very same country. How is it justified that L1 spouses can work and H1B can not work… questions loom around.. and I know there is no easy answer. For applying for H1B visa here, I need to get a job with an employer who is ready to spend >5000$ in visa fees and wait for minimum of six months before I can join them. Recession or no recession, who is so overtly qualified to bag a job with such privileges? I have a story here.. and probably every other female in H4 visa.. the complain is not against the boredom alone. The complaint is against the circumstances which lead to the inability to find an employer. I am sure if one is not qualified enough to get a job in this country or anywhere, they would be filtered out automatically. But the handicapped feeling imposed cause of the visa status is painful. So probably.. think for a while.. do your research on visas and people.. If one is complaining about the inability to work.. it must not have been an easy decision; otherwise one would not have complained.. right?
Ayn - thank you for a view from the other side. As I said, I’m really not familiar with the specifics of H1B Visas.
“leaving the career for the sake of marriage would have sounded unjustifiable to me too” - this is not my argument at all. Who am I to say whether other women’s choices are justified or not? I believe that becoming CEO or volunteering or taking care of older people or taking a break for personal reasons are all completely valid choices. The key word is ‘choice’. Sacrificing your career for your husband’s for instance, is completely your choice - though I don’t deny that it must have been a very, very tough call to make.
What I am surprised by is the feeling of entitlement, both in what I can see about that documentary and in your tone. My own feeling is that no country “owes” you anything beyond basic human safety/dignity, except if you are a citizen. So, loneliness/stagnation is an individual responsibility, not the American government’s.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that Indians can’t lobby for better laws. But, that’s something people will have to try and work for - I don’t think it is something H4 wives are “owed”.
Hi Apu,
Great Post!
I would like to add my two cents here though- I think that this film, as well as practically all print coverage on this issue that I have come across to date, leave out a very important category of (largely) women- who were already in the US on either F1 (for Graduate degrees) or for work on the H1B and married someone also on the H1B- and who subsequently either lost their jobs in the crazy post 2001 bust period or graduated around then and could not find jobs. And yet I know several cases such as these (including yours truly).
For these people, who were already in the US on their own steam, with education, experience and roots (for some homes, others children, for yet others a deep rooted involvement in local activism) going on to an H4 seemed to be a good ‘placeholder’ option to uprooting themselves all over again and starting afresh in India.
In retrospect, for folks not in the tech field getting re-absorbed into the system proved next to impossible, since the employer (mind you, I’m talking about fields like film, journalism, etc) is never willing to wait as much as up to a year (for the October H1B start date) for the employee to start working. I have lost count of the number of job offers that ‘magically’ disappeared in a cloud of sulphur when the organization found that they would need to sponsor my H1 B.
The issue is far more complicated than appears in the popular press. A lot has to do, too, with the outdated, over-bureaucratized green card system, and politicians who would rather concentrate on tomorrow’s vote bank: the illegals.
In my own case, my husband and I eventually got a divorce and I moved back to India. For the rest, yes, I suppose they could uproot themselves and their hard earned experience and go back and start afresh. I like to think, though, that the “quality of mercy is not strained” and that it is prudent not to judge a person unless one has walked a mile in their shoes. One only has to read the online comments sections of newspapers such as San Francisco Chronicle and the Wall Street Journal, in both of which papers this issue has been discussed, to know that both the former and the latter are futile desires!
Maithili, thanks so much for that detailed comment on the situation and for bringing a different perspective to it; you are completely right in that I have not looked at the situation from every possible angle. I admire the way you have looked at it so objectively despite the turmoil it has created in your own life.
Hi Apu,
I largely disagree here. I have not gone thorugh comments so I am not sure if somebody made the same point of view. When a well educated spouse (husband/wife) makes a choice of going on H4 due to immigration rule, they - in general know their plans. US won;t allow spouse of H1 holder to have H1 - and righly so as the dependent spouse has not proven his/her skill set yet. If h4 spouse gets in the right opportunity, spouse becomes h1 holder and carries on with career just fine. I live in US for last 10 years and let alone just ‘well educated’ gals…I have seen gals from average educational background getting into nice jobs though it can not be in enginnering or any professional field. I really have not seen ‘h4′ as an compromise but only a faster way to start life with lifepartner and eventually get on the path spouse wants to get on.
Hi Apu!! Great post!! But there are a few things that I would disagree with.
Mine was an arranged marriage but in no way was it forced or driven by any kind of an American dream. Its just that when you meet your Mr. Right, it doesn’t matter which part of the world he is working as long as he is working!! And though its our choice to make, I would want to reserve the right to complain about the boredom and the loneliness we girls have to go through because if its not the government’s fault, its not our fault either.
Choosing between personal and professional life has always been a tough call to make and I would personally eulogize people who make such a decision in favor of their personal life instead of penalising them with remarks like “wasted” and “dependent” H4 wives. We add much more value to our husband’s life than you know.
I don’t know why it is so hard for you to sympathise with us when you can clearly understand the pains of a woman giving up her career for child care, because in both the cases we are keeping our families first. Husband,Wife and kids make up a family. There are 1001 baby sitters dying to take care of your kid. But again, you chose to stay with your kids.
Last but not the least, I don’t even blame the girls who come here with an American dream. Because, they have been continuously misinformed in life with all the media hype.
After 3 years of active lifestyle in India, and 2 years of not working, I do feel helpless and sometimes anguish towards the system but I would never ever recommend anybody to not marry a guy/girl just because he happens to be working in some country. If you do, then probably you have a slight chance of getting “wasted”. Your decision of who to marry is much larger than a few years of not working.
Ruchika, thanks for your note. I’m not at all condemning anyone for the choices they make - if your choice (after evaluating everything) is to give up your career to move out for the sake of your husband, and you’re comfortable with that - great! And of course - laws need not be static - they can change with changing needs - the question is whether immigrants have that kind of leverage to get the govt. to change the laws - after all, you’re not even a citizen - so, I think its a question of how much one is entitled to, and going in with eyes open.
Hello Aparna,
I have read this post of yours n times from the day you have published and I always restricted from commenting because partly you are correct and partly wrong(probably because you dont stand in our situation).Today what makes me comment is your post traumatizes few people who are already in the such situation.Most of us,the working class had their own independent dreams of career in India or abroad.Marriage was never a Holy grail.Marriage was our responsibility as a duaghter or sister.I myself had got my H1 B first and then got maaried.Had I not got it I would have never quit my job and probably called my fiance then back to India.If these same decisions were taken a year or two ago we girls would be shining stars on personal and career front in US.Life here is not hard to adopt ,its just the cut-off from all those things for which if were pretty acquainted with along with a new relationship.My concern is everybody here on H4 visa cribs about their state in blogs and forums.None of them have come up with a solution or spoken back about how did they ever overcome with it.Did they remain like this forever.And then there are posts by people who have even gone through it.
Anyways great post and a hard work too for gathering so much information which will certainly help the future to be H4 housewives.
I would like to link this informative post in my blog.Let me know.
a small correction “Did they remain like this forever.And then there are posts by people who have not even gone through it”
smi - thank you for your comments. I’m sorry if the article is’traumatizing’ as you put it, for H1B wives - not the intention, though as I said, the victimization point of view in the video is a little beyond me. I am intrigued by your statement that “marriage was our responsibility as a daughter or sister” - if so, to me, that is sad. If at all a responsibility, I think it should be a responsibility to yourself in terms of getting the best deal I can! Should educated women like us not start demanding that change? And of course, please feel free to link…
Ladies,
We all are aware of the identity crisis that many girls experience after they get married and come to the United States of America on a dependent visa, famously or infamously known as H-4 visa, which not only imposes restrictions on working and having an independent source of income, but might also involve an agonizing wait to earn an authorized work permit that renders the official rights to work in America.The alarming number of stories about depression and loneliness experienced by H-4 wives inspired me to find a medium that’ll allow me to share my secret of leading a life full of happiness and sheer bliss while being on a dependent visa. And I thought the best medium to deliver my message would be through a book.
My book “H-4 Fortune Cookies” is dedicated to all the H-4 wives who believe that “life is a struggle” in a new country, especially when it involves leaving behind a well paying job, a stable career, or promising educational achievements in their respective home countries. It is for those who believe that they are not free despite living in a free country - “The Land of Opportunity”; that they have sacrificed and surrendered a significant part of themselves to their restrictive immigration statuses. It contains 50 Inspirational Thoughts written by me, who was fortunate enough to have enjoyed every moment being a H-4 wife!
I want to share my good fortune with all the H-4 wives in the form of these 50 Fortune Cookies that stood by me during tough times. I sincerely hope that the thoughts in my book spark a ray of hope in the lives of all those wives who left their homelands to be in a progressive country, yet feel constrained due to their immigration statuses. I deeply desire to liberate all the H-4 wives from their mental inhibitions and inspire them to realize their dreams while being on a dependent visa. Share the good fortune by passing along these fortune cookies that are stocked with a lot of goodness and hope for all those who need a fresh perspective about “life on H-4″.
My book is available in the form of an e-book and can be downloaded from the following link:
https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?i=759677&c=single&cl=122095
Experience the joy in spreading hope & inspiration through the fortune cookies in my book!
Lots of Happiness & Light
Sonia
My book “H-4 Fortune Cookies” is now available for FREE and can be downloaded from the following link:
http://sharesend.com/i4pvk
Happiness & Light
Sonia
Hi Apu,
I was working till recently. Now I am married and my husband is a H1B visa holder. My marriage was arranged through a matrimony site. Though I was not very keen on marrying anyone from abroad, our horoscopes matched and my parents didn’t want to wait any longer…they married me off…I married half-halfheartedly(a strong lesson learnt:Never marry half-heartedly)
When he and his family had come to see me,things sounded so good-you can always work there, you can do a Phd,you can learn bharathnatyam-what an open minded groom.
I accepted the proposal merely out of ignorance..had I surfed the net before marriage and knew the status of situation,I would not have accepted.
The worst part was when I found his behaviour disturbing(really weird).My heart crumbled..H4 visa and a bad husband is a scary combination…he left to US.I refused to join him.But my parents are keen on sending me to him. No matter what, a wife should be with the husband and I understand the pressure from the society my parents are facing…The horoscope guy says if I goes there I will be happy and my father believes him.
My father is asking me to do atleast this much “sacrifice” for family’s sake….
I think people,especially prospective brides back home should be made aware of the reality.If she is knows what is to come and has a really caring and understanding husband,its a different thing altogether.
Regards,
Riya
Hi Apu,
I was working till recently. Now I am married and my husband is a H1B visa holder. My marriage was arranged through a matrimony site. Though I was not very keen on marrying anyone from abroad, our horoscopes matched and my parents didn’t want to wait any longer…they married me off…I married half-halfheartedly(a strong lesson learnt:Never marry half-heartedly)
When he and his family had come to see me,things sounded so good-you can always work there, you can do a Phd,you can learn bharathnatyam-what an open minded groom.
I accepted the proposal merely out of ignorance..had I surfed the net before marriage and knew the status of situation,I would not have accepted.
The worst part was when I found his behaviour disturbing(really weird).My heart crumbled..H4 visa and a bad husband is a scary combination…he left to US.I refused to join him.But my parents are keen on sending me to him. No matter what, a wife should be with the husband and I understand the pressure from the society my parents are facing…The horoscope guy says if I go there I will be happy and my father believes him.
My father is asking me to “sacrifice” for family’s sake….
I think people,especially prospective brides back home should be made aware of the reality.If she is knows what is to come and has a really caring and understanding husband,its a different thing altogether.
Regards,
Riya
@ Riya - sorry to hear that; it is true that going abroad is not as easy as it sounds given that Indian degrees are rarely recognised elsewhere without additional qualification. As you say, H4 visa and a bad husband is a scary combination - my suggestion would be that get back into the workforce so that you are financially independent and REFUSE to go abroad. Once you go there, you will have little power if things get worse. This may hurt your parents, but no one has the right to ask you to sacrifice your life for the family - not even your parents. Stick to your stand and financial independence will at least make it a little easier. My best wishes - I hope things work out for you.
Hi!
I agree with your post mostly but the truth is some of us get stuck there after going on some other visa. I was adamant I wouldn’t get married to an H1 guy. Yes, that was a condition for me. So, when my husband came to meet me, his first line to me was how he was a J1 visa holder and that with my visa, it was my choice to work or study or be at home. And when I got married and left for the US, I got a job and it was perfect. Just that before my joining date, recession struck and I was stuck with an empty job offer. My husband who was a postdoctoral scholar bore the brunt. I became depressed and insane all the more because I’d planned it really, really well. Or so I thought.
Soon, he had to change his J1 status because it’s not a long term status and he tried his best to be on J1 inspite of lower pay than H1 until time ran out and he had to move to H1. That was the darkest day of my life, I think. It took me 6 more months to figure out I needed to get a student visa. The depression, the loss of confidence and insanity are some things I’m battling even today. It wasn’t easy and it hasn’t been so far.
I will be honest. It’s taught me one thing. There is life beyond a career. Today, we are back in India after I spent a year away from my husband studying. He moved back to India for a new job while I stayed back to study and intern there. I have a career now and doing exactly what I want to do. However, I’m much smarter. It’s a lesson for me to 1. take things as they come because the planning is what hit my psyche. 2. To look at other things in life, career or no career. I’m much happier as a person as well.
I’m not saying all the women who go there and cry should not be criticized. I’m just pointing out that there are different circumstances and different reasons. Sometimes, someone may have taken a decision not to be career minded and want to be at home (possible due to a burn out) but end up hating the decision and it may be too late to change the consequences of that decision.
This is one of my favourite topics before and after marriage and I’ve always thought of why we do this to ourselves. I’ve kinda figured out how it happens. Why remains a mystery. So, I do love that someone wrote about it. Thank you!