In-laws, Outlaws and Expectations
Reading this piece by the Indian Homemaker on in-laws and expectations, I was led to thinking on some strange things associated with the phenomenon that is the Indian family. Now, I have really nice parents-in-law (and no, they don’t read this blog, so I’m not saying this to be safe:)), so I don’t have much direct experience of this - but, when a group of married women or even just two get together, it is interesting to see how quickly the topic moves to the in-laws and their (many) shortcomings. A friend of mine has so many issues with her in-laws, she’s named them the outlaws!
Now, this is not to say of course that all fights and problems are due to the older generation only, but perhaps, somewhere, there is a huge disconnect. It’s not even a question of which issues they differ upon; the very fact that many members of the older generation still think that they have a right to dictate what the daughter-in-law should wear, whether she should work, if so, in what kind of a job etc etc is a cause of conflict - increasingly, most people in my age group would not agree that in-laws should be having a say in any of these, regardless of the actual views.
Then, I was also reminded of another strange thing - daughters are often told, when they get married, that they must think of and treat the in-laws as their own parents. First, it’s a bit strange for a 25-26 year old woman to suddenly adopt a new set of parents; it’s not as if affection can be acquired in a moment- it has to build up over time. And, in most cases, it would be honest to admit that it’s not possible to have the same affection as for your own parents. But, the silliest thing about it is, though women are encouraged to think of the in-laws as “parents”, living with even friendly in-laws is rarely as informal as living with your own parents. In most cases where the couple live with parents, the DIL will need to wake up at a *reasonable* time, help around with kitchen chores (even if her husband doesn’t) - and - can’t really object or fight back as easily as she would with her own parents.
I mean, in our Indian context, it’s not as if we don’t argue with parents - often they too try to tell us what we should/shouldn’t wear, when we need to be back home etc - but we’re quite comfortable arguing with them on these; the same informality wouldn’t happen with in-laws. In a sense, you get all the responsibilities but none of the rights of a daughter. Then, it’s time to drop the hypocrisy, no?
Of course, there are also some great MILs whose expectations from the DIL are only that she will read and appreciate her blogging!
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Yup even in this time and date, educated, independent girls are bullied, showing how hard is the grasp of tradition on Indian minds.
IHM - yes, change is slow to come about, when it concerns anything to do with “culture” and “tradition”.
yes, I think my big problem is with people that claim that dils should forget the parents that they grew up with, give up all that their mommies taught them (except for the respect your ils and husband parts - those are okay, it’s everything else she must forget) and think of her ils home as “this is your home from now on”. Whatever happened to home is where your heart is? The advice to the girls too is that the parents-in-law are insecure about their son’s marriage so don’t bother about snide remarks. Sadly, girls’ parents are just expected to pretend like they never had a daughter in the first place. Male centric rules are thrown out by people when it suits them to, aren’t they?
Apu
Notwithstanding the emotive language a girl’s parents use, the message they are giving it pretty clear and applies as much to organisations as to families - the new hire/ the newcomer is the one who keeps an open mind, learns the culture of the place and adjusts. If not, just as new hires get shunted out PDQ, daughters-in-law can find themselves getting into fights and arguments.
This may not be a ‘modern’ opinion but this is a pragmatic opinion. The women who enjoy the upsides of a joint family and manage the downsides will tell you that it is slow but it is worth it. You cannot change a family of 4-5 people overnight. Change that is slow is sustainable.
If our generation is as smart as we claim to be, how come we are stuck in the same old, same old paradigms of conflict resolution?
Laksh, yes, I think sometimes men should try out all the things women are expected to do - we’d see how quickly things would change!
Shefaly, interesting perspective as always! But - to take the corporate analogy further - don’t you think this is why many young couples have decided that the benefits of fitting in don’t justify the costs paid - and are therefore going solo, becoming ‘entrepreneurs’ and ditching the big companies, in a sense?
And yes, while nuclear families have their own issues, I don’t think you will catch too many women who (once they’ve experienced living independently) are willing to go back to the old set-up. so, that says something about what they’re willing to trade off.
Mumbaigirl on Wordpress recently wrote a post about why parents are not always right. I think you will like it.
How about 16 year olds say, ok I will pay for my education, mum and dad, don’t squander your retirement on me, since I can’t guarantee I will look after you in your old age? What we see is adult children living at home, shamelessly living off parents till their marriage and then they want to move out.
Parents also need to get firmer with their children about sharing responsibilities when they become adults.
In other words, we need a new social contract in India - we can hardly expect that things will change if we keep making the same choices again and again.
PS: My views aren’t idealistic. I have been financially independent since I was 17, which is unheard of in North India at least, and definitely for people who are from small towns. My tools were my academic excellence and my scholarships. It helps to have liberal upbringing at the hands of parents whose entire identity is not linked to being parents. Parents for whom we use the shorthand ‘cool’ impart more than some values, they impart an altogether alternative model for life. One based on responsible choices, independent thought, and principle-centred decisions.
it is so silly ” tum meri daughter samaan ho”
switching over to calling ILs amma appa- it remains just a word then …
just politically correct things to state
if only everyone was more honest …
Shefaly, totally agree. In India, the cost of higher education and the (relatively) few funding options means that parents do often end up funding higher education, but this should never be taken for granted, and ideally, be treated only as a loan. Also, while I hesitate to make it a contractual sounding thing, (You pay for me, hence I take care of you), I do agree that adult children shouldn’t be mooching on their parents and then abdicating responsibility when it suits them - both men and women.
Art - I actually don’t have any issues with addressing the in-laws any which way, or in-laws calling the DIL a daughter etc - with the caveat that it should be genuine, and neither party should feel the need to do things “because this is how it should be”.
Hi Apu,
When you say your in-laws are nice…what do you really mean? Can tell me in details?
I can tell almost the same yet I am having hard time living with them. I would like to make it work for better for all of us. Hence trying to find solutions
Ananmika
Ananmika, without getting into my personal details, broadly my view is that most people are ‘nice’ - it’s simply that the stress of living together, especially when one party has to make all the adjustments, is too much.
Hmmm….for me issue is thinking gap, lifestyle gap and freedom issue. My MIL helps a lot and she is an amazing cook. I am not a good cook…that is a major issue. I am always being judge on that. also, I am workign woman, and little less organized though i would love to be highly organized. I forget things easily…when i am asked to do something. I am not allowed to wear sleeveless, have to do all ‘upwas’ they suggest. all those orthodox stuff. Else they worry about me as much as they do about their son, takes care of my son. Just not sure how to adjust to ‘living together’ stuff. Thanks for your note
While I am lucky to have a MIL who is not only totally quiet and non judgemental to the point of never really having an opinion AND lives 6000 miles away, I wud like to add my 2 cents:
I feel a lot of tact is required to deal with anyone. So, maybe one shud not to take the MIL’s (or anyone’s) comments/judgments about your cooking etc to heart. Growing a thicker skin will help and will also neutralize any power struggle in the family. I had to flatly tell MIL that I disike cooking (I don’t but that avoids the issue) and I am an atheist ;P
Thanks for your comment, Latita. I guess if you are bold enough to say what you feel directly, and the other party doesn’t bear grudges, then it is easier to resolve things. IMO, though, such communication is rare because of misplaced ideas about what ‘respect for elders’ means. Agree though that tact is needed, but have you noticed how this tact is usually called for mainly from the DIL?