Atithi Devo Bhava, so the Upanishads say. And one would like to believe that, in a different age in India, this was very much true. I don’t know if it really was; were guests ever welcome at all times? And did it extend to any kind of guest, as our scriptures teach us to welcome? I’m not so sure of that. Still, I do remember a time, even 15-20 years ago, when it wasn’t uncommon for relatives to drop in at home at any time. Telephones weren’t yet everywhere, and even if available, it wasn’t really seen as essential to call in before visiting.
I remember this eccentric old uncle from my dad’s family, who used to drop in unannounced when he felt like it, pedalling in on his cycle, even when he was 70. “Serve me some food, ma”, he would declare, “I’m hungry.” Miraculously, there would always be something to eat, even if the entire family had already eaten, even if it was just some curd rice. If there was no rice, there would always be some dosai batter in the fridge, and my mother would serve that with some podi, in the absence of sambar or chutney.
Still another 20-30 years before that, my dad tells me stories of kids who were freely plonked at relatives’ houses for months. In those days, few people lived in big cities, and their houses were often full of kids from smaller towns, who needed to go to high school or college. And this was in the days when salaries barely covered a middle class families expenses.
Last weekend, quite a heated debate started up when we (me and a bunch of old friends) started discussing this. One view was that, Indians as a whole are taking up Westernised habits, and becoming quite selfish in the process. I don’t know many Westerners personally, so it’s hard for me to judge - but there does seem to be a common view that Western people take ‘personal space’ too seriously, and make even close relationships quite formal in some ways. Calling to visit close friends and relatives was seen as part of this formality. Another view was that we have become too focused on making money, to the extent that work rules our lives and we have little time for unexpected guests.
I have a slightly more prosaic take on it. It is true, that unlike the previous generation, we hesitate to drop in on people without warning. Nor are unexpected guests always warmly welcomed. But I don’t think this is necessarily only because of westernization, though ideas on personal space are changing.
Nuclear Families: I think this is one major reason why guests are not quite so welcome as before. Previously, most families were much larger. Even if one person was busy, another could look after guests. In a sense, everyone had some back-up! The nuclear families of today don’t have this luxury. If one spouse is busy or out when guests drop in, the other may go crazy talking to guests and looking after an infant at the same time.
Working women: IMO, this is the other key reason for hospitality standards getting lower. Once upon a time, the lady of the house was always or mostly available at home. Today’s woman is already stressed out balancing work and home. She may not even be around when guests drop in. Again, earlier, if one woman was out, another one would step in to help. Today, this is not possible. Even if the lady is home, welcoming guests is hard work after a day put in at the office. (Even earlier, while guests were mostly welcome, it was sometimes a strain for women to keep coming up with food in a jiffy, especially with male guests who would not dream of helping out!)
Traffic: I dare not drive for 1 hour from Banaswadi to Bannergatta, and risk my host not being around when I finally land up, after braving pollution, noise and traffic! It makes sense to plan ahead.
General busy-ness: Everyone seems to be busy all the time! If its not work, it’s ferrying the kids to a zillion classes or doing salsa for self-improvement or surfing the net… I wonder if this classifies as being self-involved? In general, I don’t recall my parents generation being so flustered all the time. They worked, did the housework, got some rest, watched some TV - that’s about it.
Defining hospitality: Earlier, most guests would be people known to the entire family. There was little formality when relatives dropped in. The men would sit and chat, women visiting would enter the kitchen and help the host with whatever she was making. The kitchen was often where all the delicious conversations would happen and we would hang around to get bits of it! I’m not so sure about this, but I feel the nature of entertaining itself is changing. Today, guests may not be just close friends or relatives. In a sense, the circle has expanded, but the depth has gone down. This means that houses need to be ‘presented’ well when guests arrive, and guests can no longer just do whatever the rest of the family was doing when they walked in.
On the whole, I wouldn’t say this is necessarily a bad thing. It is just a response to changing times. What would be good is if we could strike a balance - find some way to be as hospitable as we can, while guests at the same time understand the host’s constraints. I think, in a sense, this is what is happening. We know our limitations as hosts, so we accord others the same courtesy and try to be trouble-free guests. What do you think? Is this “formality” or just a modified version of atithi devo bhava?
Posted on August 5th, 2008 by apu
Filed under: In General
Apu,
Your explanation covers a lot of the ground about the change.
I daresay most of this criticism of the ‘west’ comes from people who have probably visited the west or even lived outside India for long periods of time but never developed close friendships with ‘westerners’. In fact, one of my observations has been that Indians abroad ‘ghetto-ise’ themselves very willingly sticking largely with desis which obviously means that these observations can never be challenged by their own experiences.
Fundamentally, ‘westerners’ are also people like us. When one develops close friendships - which take time - it is the same as in India. Mi casa, su casa applies. People do drop in and telephone for long chats about all and nothing, and likewise to borrow things, to forget to return them, to poke noses where they do not belong, to offer opinions and prejudices.. I could go on and on.
The two biggest holidays I had so far this year have involved living for 15 days with ‘western’ friends in Los Gatos, CA and living with another ‘western’ friend in Switzerland. She also organised all the details of my trip and spent all the time entertaining me. These are also friends who come and stay, who drop everything and run in times of distress and difficulty, who argue and fight over things but also remember birthdays and call regularly.
To a great extent, we get what we give to the world. I am not overly extrovert but once I am friends with someone, I am very giving of my time and attention. So I get tonnes back in return. I have seen counter-examples too
Thanks.
agree on all counts
one more reason - we keep shifting base and really good friends are not even in the same city- so better call and come
my hugest embaressment would be to be caught unawares in what i usually wear at home at the end of the day
Shefaly, good counter-opinion to what most people say. It stands to reason that even if there are cultural differences, people do not fundamentally differ in their emotions.
Art - yes, shifting often or living away from hometown is another reason too…getting caught in home clothes - kind of what I meant - everything in the house, including the host, needs to be presented
covered all points i guess- also cost of going & coming back is much more than a cost of a phone call and confirming presence.
(also calling before hand ensures some good snacks are available when we land up)
but seriously it made me nostalgic- those were the days when one had so many places to go and there were so many people who wud come home. nowadays there r weekends when we just don’t know where to go- u hav to feel comfortable with the people u r visiting also right- comfortable enuf to be able to bear to face them on your precious weekends- those back slapping friendship don’t exist only nowadays- or v rare.
also can’t dream of carting the whole family off to a relatives place for a summer holiday now can’t we- more than 3 days no family can bear to hav guests - more than willingness it is ability to take leave and take care of the guests!
Apu,
What can I say?
I feel sorry for people who lament en masse about ‘friendship’ having changed somehow. As Tolstoy said (approximately) - everyone wants to change the world, nobody thinks of changing oneself.
I do not know if you read Lekhni (elekhni.com). She had an interesting discussion once about the changed nature of ‘neighbours and their relationships’. I offered a counter-view and she said well, it was good that I took the first step. Change begins with us, does it not? Humans give what they get. Someone has to start by giving first without expecting back in return…
The link if you would like to read it.
http://elekhni.com/2008/06/good-neighborliness/
I hope this is ok. The last time I left a link for a blogger to read and see and contrast with his (always his!) views, he was so rude and told me that this was called splogging or something like that. I never returned. Clearly not all people want discourse; but I know you do.
itchy - carting off family for long visits is certainly rare…back-slapping friendships - I feel it is defn harder to make new friends as one grows older, but not impossible…
Shefaly, thanks for the link. I always enjoying getting recommendations.. wt hell is splogging! I read the piece, and while it was interesting, the comments section was even more. I think it is good to avoid making generalisations like “X type of people can’t be friends”, “Y type will never talk to people outside their community” etc…people often surprise us!
Apu
A good analysis of why things are the way they are.
I wont like to get involved in the western-eastern debate but very much agree with Shefali on how many people choose to stick with their own community and form opinions without much experimenting.
One of the reasons why hospitality seems at a low could be that the guests have changed too. I remember earlier when family friends visited us, they would bring those little home-made gifts which meant so much. They were not always expensive but thoughtful and created that instant +vity and bond. Little gestures go a long way in building relationships.
if we could change our expectations of good hospitality and work on being good guests, I would hope things can still work out well.
Sparsh, yes, everything has to work both ways, doesn’t it?