Raising liberal daughters
Some days ago, a young woman told me that my post on marriage symbols for women, helped her convey her feelings to her dad, since it was something she couldn’t articulate herself. This set me thinking on the gap that exists today as far as women’s roles and expectations are concerned, even with fairly liberal parents. Many urban parents today do not differentiate between girls and boys where education is concerned. Atleast in India, girls are not conditioned to fear maths and science, or think of them as un-girly. If anything, parents pressurise them equally to succeed in these fields! Many young women do get to choose their careers, and the new phenomenon of love-cum-arranged marriages means that young people can spend atleast some time together before choosing a life partner.
But, in some areas, there is such a wide gap between what parents expect and what young women would like to be and do. It is as if there is this boundary wall, that drops down from the skies all of a sudden, the moment you turn 24-25. When this happens, even the most supportive parents, who have pushed you towards a high-flying career, will suddenly realise that, “Oh my god, I have an unmarried daughter!” It is as though there is a clock ticking away that only they can hear. It doesn’t end there. Once you are married, after a “decent” interval, discreet (and sometimes, direct) enquiries begin : When is the grandchild arriving? At this stage, the career that you’ve worked so hard for, begins to seem like a trifle that can be re-arranged easily. If you voice your fears that you don’t think this is the right time in your career for you to take on the added responsibility of a child, parents pooh-pooh it - of course you can manage it, they say, doesn’t everybody?
Sometimes, I pity the liberal parents of today. Earlier, parents had no hope for their daughters except to see them married well - which meant, to a man who earned reasonably well and whose family didn’t outright ill treat their daughter. Parents today are pulled in many more directions. All their lives, they have told their daughters that they should work hard and look to a good career. In some cases, the mothers themselves are working women, though usually in low paying, ’second-income’ jobs that allow them to be home at a reasonable hour. They pride themselves on having raised successful daughters.
Now they are faced by daughters who have completely imbibed their teachings. They truly believe that they can do anything. That may mean working on a Ph.D and not getting hitched at the golden age of 25. That may mean choosing to delay having a child, or deciding not to have one at all. That may mean building a marriage on their own terms rather going along with traditional notions of how a married woman should behave. Suddenly, all this is rather dismaying for parents. “Is this what we taught you, have you forgotten your culture?”, they say. Somewhere there is an expectation that ‘thinking’ should be confined to your studies or your career, not to changing your way of life. What they don’t realise is that a liberal education is not something that can be confined to academics. People who have learnt to think for themselves, are bound to apply it to every area, including questioning handed-down ideas on religion, culture and roles.
How about our generation? Do we have our own sacred cows that our children will question? Readers who have slightly older children, can probably answer that.
- Related Posts You May Like
- Demonstrating Marriage
- Indian Property Laws
- Women as Population Agents
Well as my son has decided at the ripe age of 6, that he is going to be a katta brahmachari, I dont think I shall worry myself re marriageable age. Esp since he has also decided that if he gets a sister, we will def get her married off as that is all girls are keen on!!!
Seriously tho, I do agree our parents are caught between a rock and a hard place. Raising liberal girls within the boundaries of societal expectations is a big ask - esp because there are so many grays in this. I did ask couple of my friends who are pursuing their PhD how they dealt with the pesky questions that came their way. By having a baby in the final year of PhDs is their answer!! And then getting the same folks who pestered for grand kiddies to baby sit whilst they slave over their theses!
Apu: Yes, one feels sorry for the parents occasionally - they want to have their liberal credentials, yet cannot give up some set ways of doing things…But - if one feels too sorry, there will be no revolution! So - ultimately, we have to move them towards accepting change.
Apu, sad as it is, homophobia still prevails in parents who are my age.
A friend, who has just one son, says her only wish is that he does not turn out to be gay. Yet another says, it is ok for others to be gay but not her children, and she is very against allowing gay people to adopt or have children through assisted reproduction technologies or surrogacy. And these are my well-educated, otherwise superbly liberal women.
Oh and amongst Hindu parents, a Muslim boyfriend or girlfriend remains the last taboo.
Shefaly - if caste was the big taboo for our parents’ generation, ours has probably moved a little ahead - so we are ok with going beyond caste lines, but religion is still a taboo.
As for homophobia - I don’t think we are even anywhere close to confronting it. Liberal still doesn’t extend that far, even to many in our age group. I guess it will be very slow going.
“It is as if there is this boundary wall, that drops down from the skies all of a sudden, the moment you turn 24-25.”
As a child, I was told that I was nothing less than a boy.. I played cricket and soccer, threw a fantastic punch, and topped my class. I was asked to do well in studies, get into a professional college, work towards my Masters and PhD.. but when I turned 22, all I heard was “life is not all about a career and PhD”, “What is the point of Engineering Drawing if you cannot engineer a perfectly round dosa?”, “don’t study late at night, you won’t be up early, and a girl should always wake up before the men”!!
Thankfully I battled my way out of all of that!
Yep - it is amazing how things change at the “magic age” !
I think its what others before me have said - the gay thing. Its a huge taboo. Religion to some extent too… sad but true.
MM - yes…change iss slow, isn’ t it!
– “It is as if there is this boundary wall, that drops down from the skies all of a sudden, the moment you turn 24-25″
– Somewhere there is an expectation that ‘thinking’ should be confined to your studies or your career, not to changing your way of life.
I think you’ve defined the issue extremely well.
I sometimes think that our parents are not really liberal–they are simply holding up the Indian middle-class value of academic achievement. For each child, the goal is different. The boy will grow up to be successful in his career. The girl will marry well and less dowry demands will be made.
That explains the many post-graduate women who are pressured to get married while in their final year of college. In the parents’ view, the goal (of their education) is reached when a successful and rich groom is found.
I belong to the group you mention and I am sorry that I seem to have no solution to offer.will think about it.
Apu: The thing is Padmaji, from the orthodox grannies, one doesn’t expect openness so much, but from the hip grannies, our expectations are very high
The whole issue of marriage is a sticking point yes. And also beyond, where children are concerned. Once I got married, it seems that everyone from y grandmother to my servant maid could only talk about how our next trip to India would be with 3 tickets instead of 2 - and the ceremony had not been over for more than a few hours! I waited for 4 years while my career and the relationship with my husband grew. With every promotion, my parents were still proud of me, but there were always comments about how it was my “duty” to make sure my husband ate every meal, to which my response was “I am not his mother, he is 30 and surely knows when to eat and when not to”. THey threw this back at me when I had my first child and since then, they are asking me to get a job at a bank or in a school where the hours are shorter and less demanding (and they qualify that with “you need something to occupy your mind, it can be anything!” grrrrrrrrrr). THis after spending 22 years of my life doing nothing but study to be an engineer, slog to get my Master’s and slog at a very fulfilling job. Inequities exist and glass ceilings are imposed in every which direction you turn,
Apu: Sometimes it’s sad isn’t it, that those closest to us, find it difficult to identify with ‘our’ aspirations, and instead have a specified path of what we should be doing.