Demonstrating Marriage
The personal is political, we hear from Feminist movements around the world. Until I got married, I never quite realized the truth of this statement. Until I got married, I was just a “person”. Sure, being a woman affected me in some specific gendered ways. Being a woman means that one has to hesitate to walk out alone on the street after 9 o’clock. Being a woman means that using public transport doesn’t just involve questions of time or cost. All of this is indeed personal. But, but, but. I still never realized fully to what extent very personal decisions would be affected, until I got married.
One of the things which really struck me after getting married, was being expected to wear a ‘thali’ or ‘mangalsutra’. Why wear a thick, heavy chain that irritates my neck and serves no obvious function? The explanations are many. It ensures the long life of the husband. It is ‘our custom’ and therefore should be followed. Society expects you to wear it. It ‘demonstrates’ that you are married.
Let’s take these one by one. It ensures the long life of the husband. To any sane, rational mind, of course, this will come across as pure rubbish. Does the husband’s life literally hang on a thread? What about cultures that don’t have a thali concept? Do their men all die untimely deaths? When we pose such questions, elders become defensive and start saying that “it’s all a question of belief!” Well, I certainly don’t believe. More importantly, what about the wife’s long life? Who is praying for that? To me, the Mangalsutra represents the highly unequal power play of traditional marriages, where it was really the husband’s life which mattered and the wife was seen as an adjunct.
Next, it is ‘our custom’ and therefore should be followed. What is a custom? What infact is Culture? I don’t see culture as something that is inherently valuable, for its own sake. Any culture is something that is formed over a long period of time, influenced by the needs of the people at the time. Once upon a time, our ancestors live in caves. Surely they had their own needs, their own lifestyle, perhaps even their own music, dance, rituals. If Culture is unchangeable, then we should all still be dressed in bark and skin. The logical answer to this would be that cultures change since human beings themselves are dynamic and never content with any one state for long. Why then should we retain practices that have no meaning, simply because they claim to represent some ideal, ancient custom? The strangest thing is that the Arya Samaj priests claim that Vedic weddings had no such ritual of tying the mangalsutra!
Quite often, it seems as though the burden of transmitting culture is to be borne purely by women. Many conservative colleges, for e.g. will not allow female students to wear western clothes, on the grounds that they wish to preserve ‘Indian culture’ and ‘decency’. It never occurs to them, that male students, and men in general, wear shirts and trousers, Western articles of clothing, as a default. Somehow, men’s clothing is seen as neutral, it is only women’s clothing that becomes a battleground. Is this because women are somehow seen as ‘belonging’ to society whereas men are free agents, representative only of themselves? Women must therefore conform to some standard, set by the ideal ‘Bharatiya Nari’, while men only need to think of their own convenience. (Note, I am not advocating wearing Indian or Western style clothes, just that it is ridiculous to imbue them with so much meaning)
Let’s get back to the last two reasons for wearing the thali. Society expects you to wear it and it ‘demonstrates’ that you are married. These are what really, really get my goat. The first of these is more easily dismissed - sure, society expects a lot of stuff, but an individual can choose to ignore them in many cases. The second one, in my opinion, really gets to the heart of the matter. Demonstrating that one is married. Why? So that other predatory males don’t pounce on you ? So that you have a badge identifying yourself as the property of your husband? This whole notion of demonstration makes me very uncomfortable. A woman is so much more than a wife. Even as she gets married, she continues to play many other roles. She continues to work, in many cases. She continues to pursue her interests. She continues to be a daughter, a sister, someone’s favourite aunt. None of those roles ask for badges. Even if we agree that this new bond with a life partner is ‘more’ special, it doesn’t make sense that it needs an announcement to the world at large. Your family and friends know that you’re married, right? As for safety, men who indulge in sexual harassment are not going to be deterred by a woman’s marital status. Nor should we need to crave protection on the grounds of being married. And if you think about it a little deeply, why is it really important to tag oneself as being attached? Don’t ‘you’ the individual deserve respect, irrespective of your marital status?
In the past, there was a notion that a man took charge of his wife. Women did not have an income of their own nor did they own property, for the most part. Economically, it made sense to pray for the long life of the husband, out of sheer selfishness, if not out of love! Today, (educated women atleast) we don’t ‘need’ our husbands to stay alive - we want them to stay alive because we love them, just as much as they want us to have a long and fulfilling life. Isn’t it then time to drop a highly one-sided affair, a relic of the past where women desperately ‘needed’ their men?
When I got married, I wasn’t bold enough to dispense with the ritual altogether. I could not bring myself to say, I am not a cow that you need to rope me in! I wish I had the courage to do that. Unfortunately, such a sacred aura is built up around the mangalsutra that it is difficult to stand up to the elders in the family and proclaim that it is rubbish. But yes, I believe its time we came up with a new marriage format that is Indian, yet more egalitarian.
Some of you may perhaps think, what is the harm in it? Even if it doesn’t confer any benefits, surely it doesn’t do any harm either? I actually believe that it does. To me, the mangalsutra symbolizes all that is wrong with the way we view marriage in a woman’s life. Finding the right person and building a life together, are no doubt, wonderful things. But Marriage is not the ultimate aim of a woman’s life. It should not be accorded the importance it currently does. The Mangalsutra is the ultimate symbol of this supposedly ultimate goal of a woman’s life. This is why widows are denied the right to wear it. Just as it is a symbol of achievement as viewed for a woman traditionally, it is also a symbol of deprivation, in its absence. Marriage is not about demonstarting that you’ve joined a particular select club. A woman should not have to demonstrate how she has ‘changed’ after marriage. She continues to be the person she always was, and its educated, urban women like us who will need to bring about this change. Some people say, “it’s my choice”. Sure, but we need to think about the context in which our choices are made. I have only one rebuttal to the choice argument. Did your husband feel the need to “choose” a culturally relevant, symbol of marriage for himself? In all likelihood, no. (No, wedding rings mostly don’t apply in the Indian context). Like men’s clothing and so many other things, marriage is in a sense neutral for men - they continue to play the roles they did without any fanfare to introduce this additional role.
As for me, I ditched my mangalsutra shortly after getting married. For a long time though, whenever I visited my parents, I would put it on, to avoid ruffling any feathers. My parents have never insisted on ‘traditional girl’ roles for me or my sisters. We were free to study what we wanted, choose our own careers, focus on work, manage money. When it came to marriage, however, I realized that some things don’t change so easily. Even liberal parents find it difficult to let go of certain customs. Recently, I stopped hiding and told my parents upfront that I don’t wear it. I still put it on, when I visit my grandparents - it is such a sensitive issue, that it seems as though they would be seriously hurt if I didn’t. My decision to stop wearing a ’symbol’ of marriage was for me a necessary part of living out my feminist beliefs. It has made me realize that sometimes, the political is to be found in highly personal issues, but the personal can be used to take a political stand.
- Related Posts You May Like
- Raising liberal daughters
- The Diamond Carnival of Feminists
- In-laws, Outlaws and Expectations
Hmm. Brave girl - mostly!! I take it you don’t wear the metti, either!!
So what do you feel about the western concept of exchanging rings? Would a symbol both man and wife carry be more appropriate, you think?
Apu: No, I don’t…brave mostly is true - even where we know its meaningless, its difficult to resist established customs, and I have to admit that I don’t always resist things I know I should, or I don’t always do it openly. Reg Western customs of exchanging rings, I find it ok as a means of two people signifying their commitment ‘to’ each other, not so much for the benefit of others…
You know my stand on the thali and metti or even bindis- now my ILs know as well- I do wear it at family funtions though to avouid controversy:-))
For similar reasons i resisted changing my name as well…
yes…the thing is, we all know how difficult it is to follow what we think and avoid controversy - and one cannot fight battles on the personal front all the time;
Name - I agree with you there too, though I decided to change mine because I thought it would be convenient - again, there are plenty of cases where one cannot or does not resist the accepted way of doing things- but I think its important to be aware of this, and not brush it aside as “just a choice”
When people say “what is the harm in that”, they fail to realize that all these so called ‘little’ things build up and form the backbone of institutionalized oppression as a whole.
I’m glad to see you’re back.
Lovely post.
apu: megha, good to see you here. and thanks for the good words. your comment actually captures something i was really trying to get to, i.e. why the little things make up so much more.
Nice post… Have published the same on NGO Post -
http://ngopost.org/story.php?title=Apursquos_World_-_Demonstrating_Marriage
I wonder what you would have to say about the Purdaah/Hijab!
Anything followed without questioning is a sure sign of ignorance. Good news is people are waking.
Personally, I wud stay away from customs as they are too taxing and more importantly are manifestations of some people wanting to design the society for their convenience!
Some people would say that surname thing would be logical since the male chromosome X or Y decides if the child is going to be a boy or girl but it is funny how the women have been trashed for ages each time they bore a female child. Why would one even care for such a hypocritic society. What good has it done anyways?
Apu,
I have enough disagreements with this post to write my own post, but I am going to hold back and just say that your oft-mentioned notion of the “burden” of transmitting culture - purely by women, that too - is fairly indicative of your general view point, and why it is diametrically against a large and not completely irrational set of ideas (loosely called culture), regardless of your stance on the “demonstration” of marriage, that is the subject of this post. I am not speaking because I am for or against any larger causes being espoused, but I do think culture suffers much abuse from people who use and discard it to suit their conveniences. I’m glad you spoke your mind though, for the benefit of readers who want to make their own decisions.
Mayank, thanks for the link! I would not put a blanket ban on customs, but adopt them,as relevant, in a reasonable manner…
S - maybe you’ll write that post then! “I do think culture suffers much abuse from people who use and discard it to suit their conveniences”- totally disagree with this - culture is created by people and people have every right to use or discard it as per their convenience - I don’t see any abuse in this. I don’t in any way mean that Culture is irrational - infact, I believe that most cultures arise as a by-product of the times they originate in - it is, infact, a very rational process; By inference, it also means change, and of course people are the agents of change.
As mentioned to your earliaier, the expectations of an Indian marriage can be quite shocking to a gal of this generaton.
Tx for writing the post, now I know I’m not the worst person in the world for refusing wear a thali….. I however still needed a man (thanx hubby:-)) to step in and back me in order to sush the ‘junta’.
I think one point needs clarification here. Culture, while surely created by people, is simultaneously two things - one which is the inheritance from the past; and our contribution to this mass and to posterity. The contribution piece is through change (which does not always do good), but also via ingenuity. When I spoke of “abuse” and you spoke of “burden”, it referred to the inheritance, that people want to “transmit”. So people either identify with a culture or they dont - if they dont, and feel victimised or burdened, they should not feel obligated to be part of the transmission process.
Hi,
Completely agree, I keep having this debate with my sister, because she does not eat food until her in laws and every male in the house has eaten. To me it seems stupid. But sometimes I think that most times society programs you in such a way that beyond a point you are not able to think. Only few people are able to get out of this mode and think differently, and probably at some point they would initiate the change in culture.
S, I agree with much of what you say actually - in the sense, yes, culture is our inheritance and it is also what we pass on. Where we differ perhaps is that I don’t see this culture as a given. Parts of it which are relevant, yes, people will carry on, but parts which aren’t, surely, we will drop. People need not identify with ” a culture” - I identify with parts of it. The caste system is also part of this culture, I don’t see the need to identify with it. Similarly for rigid gender roles. So its not a all or nothing situation for me.
Anu, Goli, thanks for adding your comments. Definitely a lot of it is things we absorb from childhood; its hard to give them up.
well, when i go to the inlaws’ house, esp for the mega varalakshmi pooja, the mil and i are the last ones to eat. tho i sneak in a bite or two whilst feeding the brat. i dont blve in it but it is one day after all. this comes under choosing our battles, i suppose.
Hi Apu,
Firstly I must mention that this is a greatly written article questioning age old traditions and culture. Inquisitiveness is a rare virtue that most of us have lost - especially when it comes to cultures and traditions. Culture is a window into the ancient history and wisdom of our ancestors.
Coming from a traditional Hindu Brahmin family, I can totally understand your viewpoints. I have many such unanswered questions about traditions, rituals, customs - not just involving women but men as well. That could be a seperate conversation entirely.
However, with your permission, I just wanted to share my view point on facing these ‘culture’ unknowns.
1. Firstly, we should be thankful that we hail from a country that is rich in its culture and tradition. Because this indicates that we have a long and glorious history as a nation that has seen a seen and survived many different eras to develop and cultivate a (or rather many) culture! Living in a relatively young country like US, many of us are experiencing the effects of the lack of a culture. (That said I am positive that the ‘learning’ attitude of US culture will lead into developing a new culture by assimilating some portions -hopefully the best- from various cultures.)
2. I believe culture is a by-product of the time, place, people, and knowledge. A change in any of these will bring about a change in culture…. albeit at a much slower pace. Time is always changing…. people can also change, however knowledge is always increasing. We assimilate the lessons from the past to bring about a new change! India, as a country is surely rich in this aspect - Knowledge!
3. Culture is an assimilation of all the above - a code of conduct if I may - which is relevant to a certain set of people, at a given time, in a given place. As Sr. Krishna mentions in Bhagavad Gita, cultures and rituals will change with time and place.
4. Knowledge plays a very important role in deciphering and understanding any culture (or for that matter any thing in this world). Ignorance, or lack of adequate and accurate answers, leads to frustration, revolt, and (maybe) wrong decisions.
Over the years we seem to have lost the knowledge of our Vedic heritage. What remains is just the culture. I am not saying that all that is in the Veda is true in todays day and age - but we certainly do not have all the information to prove it wrong / ignore them.
5. Cultures do not change at the pace of time, place, and people - and for a valid reason - Lack of knowledge to drive the change. Any such attempts to change have failed (history has many such proofs). Nations with a long and rich culture may have had something right which lead them to survive for such a long time. We may not have the right answers as to why.
6. In conclusion, what seems to work best for me until now:
Accept any tradition in our culture (or any old and existing cultures) as right, unless proved wrong with logical reasons that are validated by a strong source of knowledge. But do not let the inquisitiveness fade or die!! You will be surprised how you will get to the answers.
You will be surprised to know that I have seen 100% success with this - some cases I found convincing reasons for the validity of a tradition and in other cases I was able to prove it wrong (with a valid logical reasoning).
Once again, I would like to applaud your inquisitiveness. I will look forward to more such questions.
Good one Anu. There are quite a few other things which need to change in our culture.. like the way marriages are conducted. In most instances its the girl’s side which has to make all the arrangements and bear most of the costs. In tam brahmin style, kasi yaatra, girl’s dad cleansing the groom’s feet etc can really hurt girl’s feelings. The worst thing is that its mostly another woman (MiL) who expects these..
That said, reading blogs like these and those of other ‘Bharathi-in Pudumai Pengal’ I’m confident these inequalities will soon be a thing of the past. Keep writing!
DG - yes, each person needs to choose their battles - after all, there are enough instances to make one see red all the time, but it is difficult to fight all the time!
Sanjiv, thank you for that detailed, thoughtful comment. I liked particularly the point about losing the knowledge and retaining only the culture (or customs). Certainly, if one looks at culture as an organic fabric that has evolved over time, it would have elements that serve certain needs of society. However unlike you, I would not agree that these elements would be accepted 100% until proved wrong - perhaps I am hasty in that sense, but to me, it needs to work for this society, today. You may see we don’t have the full knowledge to judge that, but for me, as a woman, these are not academic questions - they have day to day implications - so I guess I would make my own decisions anyways and live with it. Onc again, thanks for explaining Culture so lucidly.
Sathya, thanks for dropping in. Yes, girls’ parents still bear almost all marriage expenses. Thats another big grouse I have…
Hi Apu.
I think it is basically a symbol of marriage. Its a reminder that it is a commitment, not a meaningless one but for a better life. It should be matter of personal choice. People choose to wear this symbol just the way they worship idols. Symbols themselves have no meanings. But when they mean something for us, and help us, that’s the whole point. If something doesn’t mean act much to you, then indeed there is no point in associating due to societal pressure. But its also true that a ritual, an act of association can help us find a meaning in symbol. If ritual does not work for somebody, and makes him miserable, he should indeed find something else
ahem…commitment implies two people? Where is the “personal choice” in 1 person using a “reminder” of commitment? Or is it meant to be a reminder to the other?
Hi Apu,
Visiting your blog after a long time. This is one of my pet topics for argument.
I really don’t believe in the thaali concept. If people are so particular about following culture/tradition, guys after marriage should wear metti. If I marry a guy who is willing to wear a metti, I have no problems in wearing a thaali.
I finally managed to convince my mom as to how thaali/mangalasutra does not actually figure in the vedic rituals by quoting vedic translations. That is the way indealing with my mom. Give her the evidence.
Another favorite argument is on how we should follow scriptures. My response to that: according to manusmrithi- families which have only girls should not get them married as the guys who married them technically becomes the son in such families and how he loses his gotha…and so on.
So I tell my mom that if she is strict about following scriptures, she shouldn’t get me married (works well for me though!!!)
Hey Sowmya, Good to see you! The thing is - while using scriptures to sanction modernity can be temporarily useful to get people off your back, it is not very good as a long term thing. For one thing, the scriptures have hundreds of things which we wouldn’t necessarily agree with. Secondly - frankly, I don’t give a damn. I want to do what is right for me, irrespective of what anyone or anything sanctions or doesn’t!
Hey I agree with you on that. I do what I want finally. But this way, I am not fighting with my mom every second of our conversation. Also helps that I am not in India
Loved it.
Regarding “culture”.
I was born and raised in USA but lived for 12 years in India!
Now I’m back in the country of my birth for the last 2 years and at first my psyche was split in two.
I’ve pretty much balanced out and in doing so, don’t know how I will manage in India again because I’ve reclaimed all of the empowering aspects of my original culture that I lost while in India, and I don’t want to lose that again, but India is a tough place for an individualistic woman.
I will be writing a book and putting together a series of talks on the subject matter.
High Priestess, that sounds interesting! Do let me know when your book is done.
Good post.I have also written about the same topic and also on the topic of fasting for husbands.
http://opinionsandexpressions.wordpress.com/2008/06/09/pro-men-indian-customs/
Lovely Post.
As of now, when I do get married, I plan on wearing just the ring and no thali. I also do not intend to change my name
Time will tell !
Reema, Aathira, thanks. As one of the previous commentators mentioned, we all need to choose our battles, and I don’t judge anyone who chooses to wear these symbols; What I detest is the mental pressure and outmoded reasoning.
Nice one…but i think if wearing thali / fasting for husband is her own wish that should not create a problem. But pushing upon it saying culture / tradition is follishness.
Very Nice Lady. Am getting married on 29th Dec, 08
My mother took the practical step of melting the gold from the so-called thali and investing that into the ornaments of her choice. I loved her for doing that and proving that symbols are only symbols and have no greater function.
Culture is gernally a creation of the times we live in but when we follow it just because of a mistaken sense of identification, we lose our real self.
I also don’t wear any symbols of being a married woman. I agree with everything you have written - and written so logically, so simply, can’t imagine anybody disagreeing or not agreeing here. Loved this post.
I loved this post!!it conveyed whatever i feel in such a beautiful manner!
I dont wear the mangalsutra in front of my parents and though they dont like it,they have not forced me..MIL would bring the roof down so whenever we meet i wear it just to satisfy her..in the initial days of marriage,she saw the mangalsutra in the cupboard and freaked out..i feel its better not to give her an opportunity to point fingers at me..
IHM/Sri - thanks for your comments. Just the fact that so many women could relate to this post makes me glad! It’s not so much about what we do - we may or may not wear it, depending on our circumstances - but at least many of us are thinking about these things.
I do agree with this. I wear the mangalsutra because I like to.
no other signs are present - no toe rind, bangles etc.
The question as to whether it should be worn or not should be left entirely to the person in question and shouldn’t be forced upon.
The word and phrase - “Indian Culture” is totally overrated and beaten to death!
amazing post! Nobody could have expressed it in a better way. we need more women to do this. we should have the courage to oppose these parochial traditions that have forever tried to supress women and tried to give us a secondary status in society.when my time comes i will also oppose it.
@desigirl
I live in Canada and its still done here (in my generation!!!) I was truly shocked. I am called a kid and a rebel bcos I dont agree to that!!
Hi Appu,
I am not sure which part of the world you live in.You might want to check out my blog at http://beaveratwork.blogspot.com/2011/04/customs-that-maketh-married-woman.html, which I wrote before I read yours. I think yours is amazing and I am very proud that there are folks like you around.
brilliantly written article…it focusses on key issues of kinship and matrimony. it also directly targets the argument of “culture for the sake of culture”. i like how you have articulated the liberal parents turning to ” i have an unmarried daughter” phase. despite being a man, i still feel that the entire traditional marriage ceremony is extremely patriarchal and should be done away with. and i surely do not approve of a mangalsutra as a custom,it looks gorgeous on some women as a piece of jewelry…..
Hats Off Apu!!!!!!! You really spoke my heart.
I ditched the “Thali” right after my marriage.. i felt so uncomfortable wearing a heavy chain on my neck..after 4yrs of my married life , and once i had to deliver my kid , all my relatives and inlaws came to know tht i hv ditched it.. they all ver furious and my MIL started worrying abt son’s health…It altogether created a family trauma.. my hubby kept mum on this isuue though. But i never minded their yelling.. i believe in what i think is right and will keep doing that despite of others reactions!!